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Carrion Luggage #1087704 added April 21, 2025 at 9:52am
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If It Was A Snake It Would Have Bit You
People make things harder than they have to, sometimes. Case in point from Outdoor Life:
1. Don't go where rattlesnakes are.
2. Stay indoors and maybe stay on sidewalks if you must leave the house.
3. Don't go outside.
4. Play in traffic.
5. Avoid the outdoors.
6. Stay home (and don't let snakes in no matter how much they beg).
7. Definitely don't visit Australia.
Technically, if you do all these things, your chance of dying from a snake bite is low, but never zero. You will definitely die from something else, though.
Now, here's where I tell you that the article does include photos of some very cute (but potentially deadly) nope ropes, though other people may not find them as pretty as I do. Yes, I like snakes. From a distance, unless I know they're nonvenomous.
I’ve seen a few snakes here and there, but I’ve never even had a whiff of a close call with a venomous one.
Yeah, you have. You really have. You just didn't know it.
That is, until one day last June on a remote stretch of the Appalachian Trail in Western Virginia.
Which is pretty much the only place you'll find a rattlesnake (or it will find you) in Virginia. Growing up, we had copperheads and cottonmouths to deal with, but also the nonvenomous and very useful blacksnake. Well, we called them blacksnakes; their more official name is northern black racer, which is a damn cool name. The really, truly official name is Coluber constrictor constrictor, which is also cool and would make a great band name for anything but a Whitesnake cover band. My dad kept one around (much to the chagrin of my mom) and named him Goldberg "because if I named him Nixon, nobody would trust him."
Someone had run over his tail at some point (I'm still unclear as to where a snake's body ends and their tail begins), but Goldberg got around just fine.
Anyway, back to rattlesnakes.
I saw a flash in the rocks beside the footpath and peered down at a timber rattler as thick as a forearm, coiled six inches from my right boot! With glinting hints of yellow and green in the midday sun, it was both beautiful and terrifying.
Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one who can appreciate a danger noodle. Difference is, I don't go out looking for them.
Wherever you roam, your chances of a potentially dangerous rattlesnake encounter are small.
They're even smaller if you stay in the car.
1. Know Where Rattlesnakes Live
...and don't go there.
2. Know When Snakes Are Active
When it's warm. They're reptiles.
3. Gear Up Smart
I recommend full plate armor.
A guy at REI told me that in a tight situation, a thick wool sock could turn fangs, though Heaven forbid you or I ever have to find out!
Yeah, I'm not going to bet my life on what one guy tells me.
4. Watch Your Step
You know that Gadsden flag the crazies have co-opted? With the "Don't tread on me" slogan? Yeah, don't step on snakes.
5. Watch Your Reach
After ankles and legs, most snake bites occur on hands and arms.
That fear you have if you're a guy and you need to relieve yourself off-trail? Yeah, that's not going to happen. One might get your legs in that situation, though, and then you're yelling and everyone sees you with your dick hanging out, writhing around and screaming.
6. Stay Back!
Better yet, don't go where snakes are.
7. Don’t Panic
Ah, yes, useful advice in any situation, especially interstellar hitchhiking.
So, yeah, the article provides way more practical advice if you simply must go hiking in the woods for some reason, like you're hiding from the cops or something. But there are plenty of other reasons to stay indoors; snake bites are scary but fairly uncommon compared to, say, ticks, spiders, scorpions, and all manner of other arachnids. Or even having a branch fall on you. More common than quicksand, though, which TV shows when I was a kid convinced me were all over the place outside.
Meanwhile, I'll just stay on my deck and avoid the most dangerous thing that climbs up onto it with me: opossums. Which aren't even as cute as snakes. |
© Copyright 2025 Robert Waltz (UN: cathartes02 at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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