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Complex Numbers #1074411 added July 26, 2024 at 11:39am
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Unbelievable?
I'll give Cracked a pass for using the phrase "scientific facts" like this, because they're a juvenile humor site, not a scholarly publication.
Mmmmmm... cheese and nuts...
Ahem. Sorry. Where were we? Oh, yeah.
We love telling you unbelievable facts. When we call a fact “unbelievable,” though, we still do expect you to believe it. You’re supposed to say, “I didn’t know this was true before, and it’s surprising, but I believe it now because I trust you.”
I trust you to make jokes. Sometimes those jokes are even funny. The idea that I'd trust this source for anything else is funny.
Note: We’re not telling you the following facts are untrue. Some of them definitely are true, and they’ll remain true whether you believe them or not.
As usual, skepticism serves well here.
4 Baby Animals Evolved to Look Cute So We’ll Protect Them
These cute baby animals share a specific set of characteristics, which we’ve dubbed kindchenschema. They have large eyes and small mouths.
Animators know this, which is why your favorite cartoon character protagonists have big eyes and small mouths. That much, I don't dispute. What I have a problem with is the reversal of cause and effect.
Also, the scientist who first described kindchenschema was a full-on Nazi.
Yeah, well, so was Heisenberg. That doesn't mean he was right or wrong about the science.
What if so many animals are born with big eyes and small mouths just because they’re still growing into their parts, rather than as a specifically evolved survival trait?
Okay, I can accept that hypothesis, but it doesn't address the cuteness factor: why do we find those traits adorable?
Look, Occam's Razor demands the simplest hypothesis, which is not that a diverse number of animal species began producing "cute" offspring to please their bipedal, mostly hairless overlords, but that said overlords themselves evolved to find those attributes "cute" because if people didn't find their own babies cute, there would be less reason to hang on to the whiny, poopy bastards.
I'm not saying that's correct, either. But it makes more sense.
3 Muscles Grow More When You Concentrate on the Mind-Muscle Connection
The fitness industry is full of new and exciting science explaining the right way for you to build muscle.
And most of it is bought and paid for by companies wanting to sell their latest torture devices, much like nutrition science is often bought and paid for by companies wanting you to consume their products.
One of the strangest factors here is something called mind-muscle connection. You will see more muscle growth if you think very hard about the muscle you’re exercising.
Okay, but that's not totally out there. The idea that mind and body are separate entities is obsolete. I'd just want to see real evidence, which I imagine is hard to come by.
What if this is a conspiracy, whose sole goal is to occupy your full attention when you exercise, so you’re oblivious to all else around you? This way, the conspirators can take sips out of your water bottle when you’re distracted, saving them from having to walk all the way to their own bottles, which are on the other side of the room.
See, now, that's funny.
2 They’re Putting Microchips in Parmesan Cheese
If you buy some parmesan cheese in the United States, the word “parmesan” on the label means basically nothing.
Well... it means it resembles cheese, but you can be pretty sure it doesn't resemble steak or an energy drink.
Europe is a different story. In Europe, that parmesan cheese you buy had better be the real thing, made in northern Italy.
One of these days, I'll figure out why this works for, say, champagne vs. sparkling wine, or tequila vs. mezcal / agave spirits, but not parmesan. But today is not that day. Tomorrow doesn't look good, either.
The blessed cheesemakers from Parma and Emilia-Romagna have a new tool to let you distinguish their wares from fakes: microchips.
Well, now, that's a reference joke that's growing increasingly obscure. It's from Monty Python's Life of Brian. Buncha peasants are standing around trying to hear the Sermon on the Mount, but they're pretty far away and microphones haven't been invented yet. So there are lines like "What'd he say?" "Blessed are the cheesemakers."
We’re going to find it hard to invent a conspiracy to explain this story, since our whole issue with it is it already sounds like a conspiracy. If we try, we’ll probably end up concluding that every other piece of food we eat also contains microchips, and the Parmigiano Reggiano ones only got so much attention because they got caught.
How about: we only think it's a conspiracy because the microchips we've absorbed from other sources control our minds to think so as a way to deflect blame?
1 Balls Hang Outside the Body to Keep Cool
Oh, hey, after the cheese entry, we're back to nuts. Yeah, not going to quote this one. I'll just point out that exposed balls are certain proof that men weren't intelligently designed. Jury's still out on women.
Which, of course, is the exact opposite of the author's joke at the end. |
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