|
About This Author
Come closer.
|
Complex Numbers #1075462 added August 19, 2024 at 10:05am
Restrictions: None
List-erine
This bit from The Guardian is a couple of years old, but that's okay. Just remember it's British.
If #1 isn't "stop reading fluffy internet advice articles," it fails.
1 Exercise on a Monday night (nothing fun happens on a Monday night).
Oh. Oh, no. Shit. It's going to be one of those articles.
3 Tip: the quickest supermarket queue is always behind the fullest trolley (greeting, paying and packing take longer than you think).
Except when the person pushing that cart is the kind who still pays by check, and goshdarnit, I know that checkbook's in here somewhere, hang on...
5 Consider going down to four days a week. It’s likely a disproportionate amount of your fifth day’s work is taxed anyway, so you’ll lose way less than a fifth of your take-home pay.
Taxes don't work like that in the US, and I wasn't aware they worked like that in the UK.
10 Always bring ice to house parties (there’s never enough).
Be sure to leave it in the living room, preferably on the couch.
12 Sharpen your knives.
Damn, I hate that there's one I absolutely agree with.
14 Buy a cheap blender and use it to finely chop onions (it saves on time and tears).
Sure, if you want onion purée. And an extra mess to clean up. Also, what's the point of having finely-sharpened knives if you can't use them to chop an onion quickly?
16 Set aside 10 minutes a day to do something you really enjoy – be it reading a book or playing Halo.
No. Set aside 23 hours and 50 minutes a day to do what you really enjoy, and devote the rest of the time to work.
23 It might sound obvious, but a pint of water before bed after a big night avoids a clanger of a hanger.
True, but if you're drunk enough, you won't wake up when that pint has been processed, if you know what I mean.
29 Eat meat once a week, max. Ideally less.
I believe the expression is, "Sod off, wanker."
39 Send postcards from your holidays. Send them even if you’re not on holiday.
This has the added benefit of pruning your friend list, which in turn means fewer holiday gifts to purchase and fewer birthdays to remember.
41 Buy a plant. Think you’ll kill it? Buy a fake one.
I don't think I'll kill it; I know I'll kill it. Yes, even if it's a fake one.
42 Don’t have Twitter on your phone.
This one's three words too long.
46 Read a poem every day.
Technically, limericks are poems.
49 Buy in person!
Fuck off!
51 If something in the world is making you angry, write (politely) to your MP – they will read it.
This sentence is the only one on the list that I find impossible to translate from British to English. I mean, sure, our congresscritters are the rough equivalent of British MPs, but it's the last phrase after the emdash that broke my brain.
56 Call an old friend out of the blue.
Drunk-dial an ex.
62 Go to bed earlier – but don’t take your phone with you.
Why? If you're getting the same amount of sleep either way.
65 Instead of buying a morning coffee, set up a daily transfer of £2 from a current into a savings account and forget about it. Use it to treat yourself to something different later.
How can I do that if I've forgotten about it?
72 Always use freshly ground pepper.
Dammit, how dare they put in another one I'd have to agree with!
76 Ditch the plastic cartons and find a milkman – The Modern Milkman has a comprehensive list.
This is some sort of euphemism, right?
89 Politely decline invitations if you don’t want to go.
90 If you do go, have an exit strategy (can we recommend a French exit, where you slip out unseen).
Pretty sure that's known in France as la sortie anglaise.
93 Do that one thing you’ve been putting off.
Then find something else to put off.
100 For instant cheer, wear yellow.
Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you. And everything you do. |
© Copyright 2024 Robert Waltz (UN: cathartes02 at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
Robert Waltz has granted InkSpot.Com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work. |
