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Complex Numbers #653206 added June 4, 2009 at 3:34pm
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Be Happy!
It may come as a shock to regular readers that I don't enjoy being miserable. I don't even consider myself a pessimist - though I play one in my jokes. I don't mind a bit of positivity now and then; the glass may not be half full, but it's not completely empty, and at least I don't have to get my fat, lazy ass out of my chair to get more beer.
But there is a such thing as going too far towards the light.
As usual, I'll let the wise guys at Cracked clarify:
The 24,504 Worst Pieces of Advice Ever Published
http://www.cracked.com/blog/24504-reasons-to-burn-books/
In a tiny section of the bookstore that no sane person ever enters lies a secret underworld of musings and advice-like tidbits… books that offer hundreds, sometimes thousands of tiny wisdoms. Well, I bought a pile of these books, hoping to gain knowledge from the cute community. After reading 24,504 folksy nuggets, I learned two things: These books are not to be trusted, and there’s a gun in my mouth.
My new ambition: To be as funny as Cracked writers. Until then, all I can do is lamely link their superior phrase turnings. Like sausage. Get it? Link? Sausage? Sigh. See? I'm not there yet.
Every day, things fail and do the exact opposite of their intended purpose. Dirty sponges, land mines filled with medicine, fat girls stripping, a Kraken that buys everyone pizza when you release it… but this book takes it to the next level. This book is like a diaper that melts into shit when you pee on it. For page after page, Cyndi Haynes rewords “Give your life over to Christ!” and “Try frozen yogurt!” 1001 different ways each. It’s 2,002 cries for help that your crushed soul can no longer can answer.
Wait, what was that? A repeated word? (It was that way when I copied it - the editors may well have fixed it by the time you read this.) Maybe there is hope for me - I rarely do that rarely.
Wait...
Dang. |
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