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Complex Numbers #996853 added October 27, 2020 at 12:05am
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Time to Movie On
This one's been kicking around on my list since May, and I'm just now getting to it. Still mostly relevant, unfortunately.
I've linked stuff from David Wong before. This is another of his, and as usual, it's insightful.
At the time of this writing, we're about seven weeks away from what may be the most important cinematic release of my lifetime: TENET, the Christopher Nolan movie that appears to be about handsome modern wizards who use time magic to suck bullets into their guns:
Insightful, but not always right. I saw Tenet. It was... pretty. But not very good, and I could barely see the plot around all the holes. To be fair, I was pretty drunk when I saw it, so it's entirely possible I missed something, but as a long-time consumer of science fiction, I wasn't impressed.
But we should treasure it for another reason: It may be the last big movie that ignores COVID-19 altogether.
And that's truly a scary thought. I don't really buy it, though.
It takes place in a world that has never heard of COVID-19 and I want Hollywood to know that I'm fine if every upcoming movie takes place in that same world.
On that point, I absolutely agree.
1. We Don't Need Movies (Or Even Plotlines) About The Pandemic
Maybe you saw headlines about how Michael Bay is working on a COVID-19 movie (or maybe they'll coyly call the pandemic something else, to make it even more obnoxious). This is a dire example of a creator badly misunderstanding what people want out of him.
Yep. Bay is associated with massive explosions for a reason. I go to the movies to watch massive explosions of... well... explosives, not massive explosions of contagious viruses that I already know happened in real life.
But I don't even need that powerful pandemic movie from a good director, ten years from now. I don't need it from anyone, ever.
Of course, we could, you know... just not go see it.
In fact, I'm good with every future movie just completely ignoring the fact that COVID-19 ever happened. I'm fine if the romantic comedies of 2022 feature unmasked characters having a meet-cute at the chocolate fountain at Golden Corral. Nobody is going to be pissed that they're not following CDC guidelines, for the same reason nobody wants to see James Bond stop to fumble with a condom.
Yep. If we wanted reality, we wouldn't go to movies. By the way, I will throat-punch anyone who uses the term "meet-cute" in my presence. Just be aware of this.
2. We Don't Need You To Evoke The Imagery Of The Pandemic, Either
Hey, remember how after 9/11, action directors started adding scenes that looked a whole lot like Ground Zero?
That, at least, had the advantage of being visually appealing. Not so with tent hospitals or small gatherings of masked individuals. Or large gatherings of unmasked individuals, also known as Trump worship services.
Right now, a whole bunch of filmmakers are likewise thinking of ways to incorporate COVID-19 imagery into the thing they're making, in the same way that not even in Star Trek can we escape shots of buildings collapsing into gray clouds.
Again, at least collapsing buildings look epic. Well. Unless they're happening in real life without benefit of clearing the place out first for a controlled demolition.
3. Actually, You Can Scrap Your Trump Movies, Too
You know what? Now that we're here, just apply everything I said above to the entire Trump era. I don't need a goddamned movie five years from now where Jonah Hill wins a bunch of awards for playing Steve Bannon. I don't need a star-studded HBO miniseries about Jared Kushner or Michael Flynn or James Comey or Sebastian Gorka or Tom Price or Scott Pruitt or Anthony Scaramucci or Rex Tillerson or Paul Manafort or Jeff Sessions or Michael Cohen or Eddie Gallagher or any of the other names I just got off the "Trump Scandals" Wikipedia page.
Movies have been made about Presidential administrations before. I never saw any of them. Again... just don't go see it. I wouldn't. And it wouldn't matter if the movie was trying to be fair, or sucking Trump's dick, or trying to beat him down. I've lived through the last four years inhaling the daily news cycle, and I agree, I don't need some cinematic effort to "put it all in perspective."
While we're on movies, you know what else I'm not going to see? The Avatar sequels.
Oh, I'm sure they'll be pretty. And I kind of enjoyed the first one, once I decided to let go and ignore the plot, science, acting, and dialogue. It's more the utter hubris of Cameron and the studios going, "You know what? We're just going to go ahead and make the next four right now, each with an enormous budget. People loved the first one, and they loved Titanic. Cameron is gold! What could go wrong?"
No, I want to see a boycott of those movies. Not for any silly political reasons, but just to send a message to Disney (the first movie was Fox, but I think Disney picked it up when they bought the studio): We're not putting up with this shit. Release one movie. If we like it, you'll make money, and then you can make the next one.
But, as usual, people are going to make the movies they want to make, despite what internet comedy writers have to say about them. And hopefully there will continue to be movies, and theaters, because the experience of going to the theater (especially the one I go to) just can't be replicated at home.
This year was supposed to be the year of me going to see a different movie in the theater every week or two. That held up well... until March. I started again when they reopened (at a much lower capacity) in August. I've seen movies I wouldn't normally see. I've disliked ones that got great reviews, and liked ones that people panned.
But no. I'm not going to want to see Covfefe-19 references in movies now, or ever. We get enough of that shit in real life. I go to the movies to escape from that shit. And to see explosions, car chases, and people in costumes fighting crime. |
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