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About This Author
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Complex Numbers
Complex Numbers
A complex number is expressed in the standard form a + bi, where a and b are real numbers and i is defined by i^2 = -1 (that is, i is the square root of -1). For example, 3 + 2i is a complex number.
The bi term is often referred to as an imaginary number (though this may be misleading, as it is no more "imaginary" than the symbolic abstractions we know as the "real" numbers). Thus, every complex number has a real part, a, and an imaginary part, bi.
Complex numbers are often represented on a graph known as the "complex plane," where the horizontal axis represents the infinity of real numbers, and the vertical axis represents the infinity of imaginary numbers. Thus, each complex number has a unique representation on the complex plane: some closer to real; others, more imaginary. If a = b, the number is equal parts real and imaginary.
Very simple transformations applied to numbers in the complex plane can lead to fractal structures of enormous intricacy and astonishing beauty.
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Let's get serious about comedy for a few minutes.
https://www.cracked.com/article_28266_5-famous-jokes-everybody-manages-to-screw-...
5 Famous Jokes Everybody Manages To Screw Up
Or -- possibly more accurately -- Cracked Screws Up Famous Jokes.
Jokes are the most important form of communication we have, and many are strongest the moment they're first told. Some get even better with repetition, and many are repeated till a single line turns into a hollow husk of a catchphrase that people apply endlessly, with all the original genuine humor lost.
Oh, I don't know. The most important form of communication we have? That would be when we meow back at our cats.
5. "It's One Banana, Michael. How Much Could It Cost? Ten Dollars?"
I'm pretty sure I've never heard this one until I read this article. I even had to follow the link, which told me it comes from Arrested Development -- a show I've always had less than zero interest in watching.
As it was the first time I heard it, you would expect, via Cracked Comedy Theory above, that I would have found it hilarious. I didn't. Mildly eye-rolling, maybe. Perhaps I would have had to understand the characters and context better.
Anyway, they bury the joke in the ground and shovel dirt over it by going on to explain it.
4. "Shut Up And Take My Money!"
Hey, I know this one. I use it myself.
Did that amazing new game get announced, and you want it right away? Or some shiny and whirring new bit of electronics? How about a proposed invention, something that might never even really come into being, but you need it, and you need it now? Only one GIF can sum up your feelings.
Hey I can do gifs too!
In the show, Fry isn't saying this about a good product. He's saying it about a bad product. The joke isn't that he's already sold on it, so he shushes the salesmen from talking it up further. The joke is that he's already sold on it, so he shushes the salesmen from explaining the bad item's flaws.
But you know what? It doesn't matter. Sure, maybe it's overused, but the mark of a good quote is that it can be used in other situations than the original writers intended. Stop telling me how to get mileage out of other peoples' creativity, Cracked. You're not my supervisor!
3. "Up To Eleven"
Okay, now you're treading on sacred ground. I'm pretty sure that this line from Spinal Tap is the most successful reference joke of all time. It has embedded itself into pop culture even more thoroughly than quotes from Star Wars, and you can't swing a lightsaber without slicing a Star Wars reference joke.
Just to give two examples of how thoroughly that single line has taken root and become part of the everyday lexicon: First, the IMDb page  for that movie has a star rating system that goes to 11. So okay, that's only to be expected, right? But that brings me to the second example: The BBC, the oldest public service broadcaster in the world, with a stuffy British management not exactly famous for its sense of humor, has its own proprietary video player on its web pages -- and its volume slider goes to 11.
No, of course "but these go to eleven" isn't funny anymore. It's too pervasive. What it is now is an idiom. And regardless of how it was used in the movie (which I first saw when it came out and recognized that scene as pure comedy gold), we can use it however we like. Cracked trying to comedysplain to us how it was supposed to be used is like... well, it's like those pedants who insist that you can't split infinitives or end sentences prepositions with.
2. "You Keep Using That Word, I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means"
You keep using these jokes. I do not think they mean what you think they mean.
Seriously, you're supposed to be a comedy site. Lighten up, Francis.
1. "Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition!"
Now, here, the discussion of this one actually makes some sense:
The basis for the sketch is the phrase "I didn't come here expecting the Spanish Inquisition," a facetious way of pointing out someone's questioning you more intently than is reasonable. Type that line into Google, and from the search results, you'd swear that Monty Python invented it. But it was already a common figure of speech before the sketch.
Which I didn't know, because the Spanish Inquisition sketch was basically before my time. It predates even Spinal Tap by something like 15 years. In other words, its original meaning has been superseded by the Python reference.
In conclusion, yes, some lines get overworked. It is, for example, impossible to make any comment, serious or otherwise, about deep philosophical questions such as: What's the meaning of life? What's the ultimate answer? without someone shouting out: FORTY-TWO!!! It gets tiring, and it's caused me to stop talking, or even thinking, about such deep questions.
Probably for the best, anyway. I'd already figured out that comedy is the true Meaning of Life.
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Had a great time, y'all!
PROMPT July 30th
Congratulations on making it to the last day of the competition! What was your favorite prompt from the last month? What was the most rewarding aspect of participating in the competition?
This time, I actually went back and refreshed my memory about all the prompts from this month. My memory isn't great and I can't usually remember what I posted from more than a couple of weeks ago.
I think I had the best time with the "biased reporting" one. Not only did it give me an excuse to rant about something I like to rant about, but seeing other peoples' responses was interesting. I stand by what I said, but I still feel like I could have made it more clear or expanded on a couple of the items, especially my train of thought at the end that concluded that there probably isn't a such thing as unbiased reporting.
Everyone has a bias, but some people try harder than others to at least be fair. And by "fair," I don't mean "presenting all sides" on occasions when there really isn't more than one side; I mean presenting the relevant facts as disclosed by people who should know what they're talking about.
Anyway. The most rewarding thing was, as always, reading what other people write. I'm obviously biased and have opinions, so I'm not always going to agree with other people, but I do try to respect that other people have opinions that differ from mine, and often for good reason.
Except for the Chicago-style "pizza" thing. I'll die on that hill.
But the other thing I like about these challenges, and the other reason I keep coming back to participate in them, is because the prompts often make me think. Sometimes they make me think things I'd rather not think, like the prompt about travel, which as I mentioned is a sore spot for me right now. By the way, that's why I won't be participating in Blog Travel Month. I hope those who do have a great time, but I just can't pretend to travel during a month when I was supposed to actually travel. I don't think there's enough depressing music out there to lift my mood from something like that.
Usually, though, these prompts give me the opportunity to write stuff I normally wouldn't bother to write. I often learn something in the process. I hope other people do, too.
Thanks for reading. I hope you'll stick around. I'm not going anywhere (dammit); I have a huge backlog of stuff I want to talk about, and I'll be doing some more mini-contests. |
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As a lifelong consumer (and sometime writer) of science fiction, and having lived through the last half-century, I can attest that technology can certainly make one's life better, for various definitions of "better," but as with a monkey's paw or a genie's wishes, everything comes at a cost.
PROMPT July 29th
Write about an invention or technology that you wish existed that would make your life better.
This prompt came in at the same time as my friend was texting me her idea that they should remake some of the original episodes of Star Trek, with a new cast and better budgets. And she wasn't even stoned. So of course we're going to talk about Star Trek today.
The first thing that came to mind, of course, was the holodeck (holosuite in DS9 because it wasn't set on a starship). That would certainly make life better in so many ways, but as someone (Dave Barry, maybe?) pointed out, the holodeck would be humankind's last invention.
There are a lot of inventions speculated about in the various incarnations of the show. Some of them have even been realized in some form (at one point, William Shatner's character in Boston Legal opened a flip phone and it made a communicator chirp). Others probably can't be, at least not in the foreseeable future. All of them have their benefits... as well as their downsides. I'm going to go the overachiever route and talk about not just one, but many of them today. And hell, maybe this will be the first draft of my next Fantasy newsletter editorial because I'm lazy and out of ideas. I mean, come on, I was so starved for inspiration that I talked about tea in this week's newsletter. Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.
So let's start with tea. Specifically, let's talk about how Picard was able to get his tea just the way he liked it in his ready room. The replicator is, like, a 3D printer on steroids. Upside: Using transporter technology (which I'll discuss in a bit), it can craft almost any arrangement of matter. Want a sandwich? Order it at the replicator. Want a thick, juicy steak? Order it at the replicator (no cows were harmed in the making of this episode). Want some Romulan ale? Ooops, sorry, that's not going to happen. Downside: some people actually enjoy cooking and preparing food, not to mention yet another profession lost to tech.
Speaking of the transporter, this idea was introduced as a cost and time saving measure so they wouldn't have to show planet landings and such all the time, but it's become just as intrinsic to Trek as warp drive. Your atoms are scrambled, converted to energy, and then reconstituted at some other point. There's an ongoing philosophical debate as to whether this in fact kills and resurrects you. Upside: near-instant travel. Downside: Transporter accidents are usually gruesome and fatal. But then again, so are many plane crashes.
While we're talking about warp drive, I mean, come on, how would that not make life better? As with the transporter, though, there's little chance it'll happen anytime soon. Upside: explore strange new worlds, seek out new life, etc. Downside: Klingons.
Then there's artificial gravity. Oddly, every other system on a starship could be fried, and the gravity still works. Okay, not that oddly, because it's still just a TV show produced on a planet. Point is, though, if you can create gravity at will, you can also negate it and use the tech to dampen acceleration, so... Upside: easy transportation, loft stuff into orbit; also, not suffering bone loss and other effects known to occur in microgravity. Downside: Well, who knows how much power such a thing would have to use? And it would suck for it to glitch out while you're accelerating at 20 Gs.
Another thing of great personal benefit would be the Universal Translator. Whatever language they're speaking, it becomes English, like magic! It even makes their lips move in English. Technology, I'm telling you! Upside: Understand everyone who doesn't speak in metaphor (watch the TNG episode Darmok if you don't know what I'm talking about). Downside: There are a lot of benefits to actually doing the work to learn a different language, including a better understanding of the culture. Besides, I'm not even sure such a tech would even be possible; there are just too many complexities to language.
Want to make life better? Invent the phaser. Upside: stun setting eliminates threats without those messy ethical issues. Downside: you know we'd abuse the fuck out of it just like cops are abusing pepper spray now.
Going back to drinks for a minute, there's synthehol, which is the obvious portmanteau of "synthetic" and "alcohol." Upside: Drink all the scotch you want without getting drunk! Downside: Drink all the scotch you want without getting drunk.
Want to know everything about a particular, say, rock? Then you need a tricorder. This handheld device can analyze the molecular and crystalline structure of, well, pretty much everything. Upside: know what everything is. Downside: where's the joy of discovery?
And so we finally come to the holodeck, the ultimate Virtual Reality experience. Upside: Any scenario you can imagine, it can create, much like the replicator but for more than just food. Rest on a beach. Go camping in the mountains. Experience the pleasure domes of Risa. All without leaving Deck 38 or whatever. Downside: spend the rest of your now-shortened life getting foot massages from Uhura. "Nichols or Saldana?" "Pourquoi pas les deux?"
But you can't tell me it wouldn't be worth it. |
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If anyone's joining us from "July 2020 Blogging Bliss Newsletter - Issue Ninety-One" : Hi! Everyone else should definitely check out that link, because it features Me. Oh, and some other cool stuff too.
PROMPT July 28th
All month, you’ve been replying to prompts straight from the Challenge War Chest, filled with prompts from previous 30DBC competitors. Today, write three of your own prompts and then reply to one of them in your entry.
I had a disappointing experience yesterday. I've been walking to my local taphouse about once a week since they reopened (patio only) for some food and fine fermented beverage. Someone has to make sure they're still in business for the foreseeable future, and I volunteer as tribute. Anyway, yesterday was Taphouse Day for me. Among other libations, I ordered a Duvel , because whenever a Belgian beer shows up on draft, I jump on that sucker.
What I got wasn't a Duvel. I know what it's supposed to taste like, and it was just... off. Didn't even taste Belgian. Maybe they got a bad batch, or they mixed up the taps, or something. I also considered the possibility the fault was in my own palate -- sometimes beer just tastes different if you eat certain foods or drink something else first -- but none of the other beers I tried were wrong. Besides, the trademark feature of a Duvel (and a few other Belgians) is a particularly creamy head, and this one was as headless as a horseman.
Only mildly disappointing, to be sure, but I mention it because in all the years I've been a craft beer snob, this is the first time I could tell that something just wasn't right. Well, there was the time a brewer in Colorado had me try what he called an IPA, and I was like, "This isn't bad; it's more like an ESB." "Oh, yeah, it is an ESB but Americans think it'll be bitter, so we call it an IPA." For the record, ESB is "Extra Special Bitter," but the style isn't bitter at all, while IPA (India Pale Ale) does tend to be bitter, so... I mean... what? They're both British styles. Leave it to the Brits to call malty beer "bitter" and label their own invention "India." (There's a story behind that but... later.) And leave it to the Yanks to call a thing something that it's not in an effort to sell more of it.
So, whatever, I had some other good beer and a nice stagger back home, marred only by my neighbor's Rott trying to kill me.
Point of all of this is that yesterday's experiences inform the three prompts I'm supposed to come up with today for the 30DBC.
1) Have you ever been attacked or threatened by someone's pet or a wild animal? If so, what happened? If not, what do you think you'd do?
2) What's the longest distance you've ever walked in one go?
3) Describe a time when you expected one thing and got something else.
I know I only have to talk about one of them, but:
1) The Rott today. I just stood on the sidewalk and stared him down. I was just sober enough to know that dogs take that as a challenge, and just drunk enough not to care. Come at me, mutt. His human corralled him, though.
2) I talked about yesterday. Worked out to something between 6 and 7 miles. The walk to the taphouse is only like a mile and a quarter (seems like more when it's 100F outside, though). If you're a kilometer/Celsius person, do the math; I can't be arsed right now.
And since I've already talked at length about (3), you can read about it above. |
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Because I am a pessimist, I'm never unpleasantly surprised.
PROMPT July 27th
Write about a time you were caught off guard, surprised, or had the rug pulled out from under you. How did you recover?
At least, not that I can remember. As with embarrassing moments, my mind utterly blanks them out, hoarding them until I'm trying to sleep, at which point it dredges them up so that I can stay awake. I can only assume it's my stupid brain trying to avoid another episode of sleep paralysis by trying to avoid the "sleep" part in order to skip the "paralysis" part, and also the "dark figure menacing me" part.
But then I forget them all the next day. I'm left with the memory of a memory; the vague notion that something was keeping me awake, some self-disappointment from the past. But I can never remember what.
So I'd write about the time I literally had a rug pulled out from under me... except that never happened, so I'm left with the figurative meaning of that phrase, and I still can't remember anything of the sort. Well, my divorce, I suppose, but it's not like I didn't see that coming. Pessimist, remember?
I suppose there's the tortured tale of trails and travel, something I manage to remember probably because I wrote about it at the time. Naturally, I can't remember where. My offsite travel blog, maybe? Can't be arsed to find it right now. Link's to the left, there, if you want to look. Since so much time has passed, it's likely some of the details will be different. Memory does that.
About, oh, eight or nine years ago, I suppose, I decided to drive across the country, something that, at the time, I hadn't done before. So I got it in my head that if I'm going to drive across the country, I'm going to drive all the way across the country, from the easternmost point to the westernmost point in the continental US.
The easternmost point is easy: I parked near Quoddy Head Lighthouse, near Lubec, Maine, and scrambled across a few rocks to touch the Atlantic so I could honestly say I was as far east as I could go without getting too wet (apart from my fingers). Then I took the next several days to actually drive across the country, avoiding Canada and the interstates (nothing wrong with either, but I wanted to see the US, not Canada, and take my time doing so).
The westernmost point is a desolate spot of land in northwest Washington, near... well, it's not really near anything. There's a dot on the map called Ozette, which turns out to be a ranger station and a convenience store, with the convenience store being closed because it was December. From Ozette there's a trail through the rainforest that winds about three miles to the Pacific shore. Three miles is easy, especially since the terrain is relatively flat and like I said: trail. On level ground, such a walk normally takes about an hour; since the trail was a bit rough, it was, oh, maybe an hour and a half from the ranger station to my goal.
I got there, looked around a bit, saw absolutely nobody else, dipped the toe of my shoe (idiot me forgot to pack hiking boots) into the Pacific, and took one final look at the featureless western horizon... whereupon I noticed that the angle formed by the accursed daystar, my stupid self, and said horizon was really quite remarkably acute.
Like I said, it was December, close to the earliest sunsets of the year, and a far more northerly latitude that what I'm used to -- and while the trail wasn't too difficult, when it got dark, I'd be boned.
And it was about to get dark.
Oh, and did I mention that the PNW is crawling with brown bears? Well, the PNW is crawling with brown bears.
So I started booking ass back up the trail. Under the canopy, it got dark fast. Really, really fast. I estimated I was about 2 miles into the 3 mile return hike when it started getting difficult to see tree roots and rocks and such, though the packed dirt of the trail itself shone like a beacon between the lush, bear-concealing vegetation on either side.
I don't run. Well, I did, that evening, but normally I don't run. Tough on the knees and back. But I was motivated. Oh, and in addition to dark, it was starting to get cold, which I didn't much notice yet because I was running.
By the time I broke into the clearing at Ozette, the stars shone in the sky, but I didn't have time to appreciate them because that's when the cold hit me.
I ducked into the car, turned the heat up as far as it would go, and flipped the seat heater to High (yes, I have seat heaters, shut up).
None of it helped. I shivered all the way through to the nearest town (by "nearest" I mean "several hours away") with a motel.
The nightmare didn't end there, either. The motel was in Forks, and this was back when the Twilight movies were in full bloom. I couldn't spit without hitting a cardboard cutout of some hormonally-enhanced Hollywood vampire, werewolf, or insipid brat.
So that counts as being caught off guard, I suppose. Curse the blasted daystar and its utterly unpredictable rising and setting. But still. I'd do it again. Just in the summer. And with enough time to retreat afterward to somewhere -- anywhere -- that isn't Forks.
Preferably, a place with beer. |
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Beer should count as food.
PROMPT July 26th
What food would you like to judge in a Cook-Off?
I'd say "sushi," but that would negate the "cook" part of "Cook-Off."
I think the classic cook-off food is chili. There are so many ways to make it, and so many possible ingredients, that there is no One True Chili. I find the argument about whether beans should go into chili or not hilarious. Because food snobbery should only be applied to pizza.
The chili argument apparently goes back to the Mexican origins of the dish: originally, it was a beef stew with chili peppers and without beans of any sort. But if you're going to make the "origination" argument, you have a lot to answer for; few dishes remain static over generations. Food evolves over time, with different cooking and preservation methods. Hell, originally, they didn't put hops in beer; that was a later innovation that both improved the flavor (up to a point) and acted as a preservative. Nowadays, beer is defined as "water, malt, yeast, hops and maybe adjuncts."
So an argument could be made that adding beans to chili is a major innovation that improved the stuff, and the beanless variety should be consigned to the ash heap of history.
Except, of course, as a hot dog topping.
My personal chili recipe involves ghost pepper sauce, because it can. And beans. And tomatoes, another controversial ingredient. I haven't made it in a while, because when I do make it, it tends to disappear quickly, and then reappear around my waist, which is something I've been trying to avoid.
But let's get back to pizza, the world's most perfect food. I've spent my life on a quest for the perfect pizza, and while I've come close, nothing has ever jumped out at me as "perfect." I do have a couple of hills to die on as regards pizza, though.
1. The One True Pizza will be New York style; that crap they call "pizza" in Chicago can be decent food, but it is not pizza.
2. Avocado has no place on or near pizza.
Given the above, you may be surprised to learn that I stay out of "pineapple as a topping" arguments with pizza. Hawaiian style pizza isn't my favorite, but I'll eat it if I'm hungry enough. Shocking news: people like different things.
But, like with chili, there's a lot of room for diversity in pizza. Still, I never will understand the barbarians who don't eat the outer crust of an otherwise good pie. The kind of dough used on pizza should be a kind that could work on its own as bread. The crust is not, as some would have it, merely a delivery system for the toppings; the crust is the heart and the soul of the pizza, and needs to be respected as such.
So, given all this, I'd totally judge a pizza cook-off, the only problem being that there's just no way I could eat just one bite of the competitors. I mean, maybe I could, but then when I picked a winner I'd insist on eating the rest of the pie and, well, see above about my waist.
But at the same time, I'd be judging the other judges. If I see someone wax poetic about avocado pizza, I'd reject every other opinion they have. Similarly, if someone eats everything but the crust, I'll know it's safe to dismiss their rankings out of hand. And if the competitors include deep-dish Chicago style casserole, I wouldn't even need to taste them. I mean, like I said, it can be tasty, but I reject with prejudice the assertion that it has anything in common with real pizza.
Maybe one day I'll finally find the perfect pizza. Just not outside the northeastern US.
I appreciated all of the comments, though as I feared, they just made me miss traveling more.
Lilli 🧿 ☕  - Can we take a boat from Key West to New Orleans? I'd love to go the Gulf route.
Starlena  - Yay! You get me! I call that nefarious beast the Accursed Daystar, and while it seems to be necessary for the warmth I require, it's best if I stay out of its direct influence. Also, I'd totally go to Greece.
Satuawany  - Texas is a great place to visit (especially for the chili and beer), and I do like RenFaires. Camping, though? *shudder*
Cappucine  - Je voudrais vraiment visiter la France, et je veux boire du vin et manger des baguettes et du fromage, et je veux voir les cathédrales... but hey, Australia sounds good too.
Sumojo  - (speaking of Oz), now, I've been to Britain, but I'm always up for a return trip, especially if there's ale involved.
Turkey DrumStik  - Yeah, it probably would be cheating, because we already had plans to meet up -- which I still want to do, but not with a raging pandemic going on. Patio beer doesn't count as an outdoor activity if there's shade.
Alexi  - Honestly, I've never even considered the Canaries, but you make it sound inviting. Except for all of the time you want to spend in the gaze of the accursed daystar. Still... it sounds like it might actually be worth lathering up with sunscreen to do all that fun stuff.
Pumpkin Spice Sox  - I try to keep poo-flinging in political arguments. Which you don't see monkeys doing. They're definitely more civilized than the children at the zoo.
Prosperous Snow celebrating  - Oddly enough, there are two places I go if I want to have food I've never tasted before, and one of them is your hometown. The other is New York City -- though there, I'm usually too busy trying to find the perfect pizza.
Like I said, lots of good suggestions, and I'd be willing to do all of them (yes, even the outdoors ones, provided I can pack bugspray and sunscreen)... but I gotta give the Merit Badge to Starlena this time, because like you said: outdoors shit is overrated.
But I'll do something like this again soon so everyone will have another chance! Thanks again for commenting, everyone. |
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What day is it?
Merit Badge Mini-Contest below!
PROMPT July 25th
Reflect on your week. What was challenging? What did you do that made you feel successful? What made you smile?
Reflect on your week.
Time has lost all meaning.
What was challenging?
Keeping alcohol in stock. It keeps disappearing somehow. It's a mystery.
What did you do that made you feel successful?
Woke up in the morning. And again in the afternoon.
What made you smile?
Schadenfreude.
...okay, no, it's not all that bad. I'm well aware of what day of the week it is, and I know exactly why my booze keeps disappearing.
Sunday night, I managed to see the comet. It wasn't all that big a deal, but I had to try, because otherwise I'd never be able to look Phil Plait in the eye again. I wrote about the experience in this week's Comedy newsletter: "Comet Chameleon"
Speaking of the Comedy newsletter, I count getting it completed on Monday morning as a success, though no one saw it until Wednesday.
Getting back to the comet, though, I wasn't in any position to take pictures of it, but a whole lot of other people were. I think I posted a link to APOD here last week, but this site has awesome photos also.
I have to admit, it's getting harder and harder to deal with being effectively unable to travel. Yes, yes, I know I could go do outdoors shit, but come ON, when do I do outdoors shit? No, the reason to travel, for me, is to drink at bars, stay in hotels, visit breweries, eat at restaurants, gamble in casinos (with money, not health), visit friends, go to Nerd Camp (cancelled this year), and generally be in places where other people are. In other words, I'm effectively unable to travel.
This especially sucks because it's right about now that I would have been leaving on another cross-country trip.
Yes, I know, other people have it way worse than I do. Fortunately, I'm not other people. If I can only kvetch if my situation is the worst possible situation, I'd never kvetch at all, and that's not fun.
But no, it's not "challenging." Just depression-inducing.
Fortunately, yesterday was National Tequila Day, and also fortunately, I had some in my stash.
Key word there is "had." Tenses are fun. In any event, tequila what made me smile most recently.
So, since I'm all down about the traveling thing, or rather the not-traveling thing, I think it's time for another Merit Badge Mini-Contest.
Write in the comments where we'd go if I met you on a trip. I don't know -- maybe thinking about it is a bad idea, but I won't know until I actually think about it. This can be somewhere unique to wherever you are, or some distant location; doesn't matter, since this is all hypothetical anyway (unless you don't want it to be, in which case hit me up when things settle down). Also, no need to limit this to things I talk about all the time; I'm up for new places and experiences. The answer I like best will earn the author a Merit Badge tomorrow.
As usual, deadline is midnight WDC time today (Saturday, July 25). |
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Seems to me I've done one like this before, but I can't be arsed to search for it.
PROMPT July 24th
If you could switch places with one other person, who would it be and why? What in particular would you do?
So my answer might be different this time.
The short answer is, I wouldn't.
Of course there's a long answer, too.
First of all, what are the parameters? Consciousness switching? Full-body switching? Do I get their knowledge and experience, and if so, will I still have mine also? Temporary? How long? Permanent? If I'm living someone else's life, am I still "me?" What is consciousness, anyway? Or is this a "Prince and the Pauper" kind of thing where we just switch roles for a bit without getting into unscientific territory?
This comic is relevant to the discussion.
Eh, it doesn't matter anyway. I still wouldn't want to do it. I like my life, but anyone dropped into mine would see things about me that I don't want seen.
But... if I absolutely had to, like if I lost a bet with an all-powerful supernatural entity or whatever (no danger of that but I can speculate; I am a fiction writer after all), I'd probably pick some billionaire, like Bezos or something. Not for the money, and certainly not for the attention, but because billionaires have private jets and just once in my life I want to fly on a private jet. But it wouldn't be my life, would it? It would be someone else's.
Even so, again, I wouldn't want to be stuck in that asshole's life indefinitely. Just, like, a day or so.
Maybe he'd clean my house while I'm on his jet.
Anyway, the whole thing is too open-ended to really speculate about, for the reasons above. |
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Well this is a little less controversial than yesterday's prompt, but not much so.
PROMPT July 23rd
You've been given a full budget and creative license to bring a book you read to film. What book would you pick and who would you cast as the characters? If you choose a book with an existing movie adaptation, what changes would you make?
Plenty of books I could choose, but I'm going to go with the one I most recently read. Or actually the entire series of books, which is up to 16 now (soon to be 17). Also, I'm loosely interpreting "film" here; the line between movie and TV series is getting blurrier all the time, and with 17 books you need it to be a series.
I'm talking about Jim Butcher's Dresden Files, which has been going on for 20 years now.
SyFy (or, well, I think it was still The SciFi Channel at the time) did a short-lived series adaptation in 2007, but as far as I'm concerned that doesn't count. I've never seen it, anyway. So I'm ignoring it for these purposes.
For anyone who hasn't read the books (and you should, because one of them contains the greatest scene in all of literature), Harry Dresden is a wizard who lives in Chicago and gets himself into supernatural trouble on a regular basis, consorting with vampires, werewolves, faeries, etc. I figure since the show Supernatural is ending, this could fill the void with something actually, you know... good. The books combine elements of contemporary fantasy, noir detective, and comic book tropes.
Now, here's one problem for casting: time passes in the books. That is, the Harry Dresden from Storm Front is about 20 years younger than the Harry Dresden from the latest book, Peace Talks. So you either have to grab a 30 year old actor and age him up something close to naturally, or cast anyone and use de-aging tech, which has come a very long way in recent years. You did say "full budget," though, so I'm not letting age get in the way. Also, 50-year-old actors are going to be better known to me than 30-year-old actors. To complicate matters, some of the characters are supernatural and don't age much if at all. (The Witcher has this problem too.)
The most important character is, of course, Dresden himself. The books are written in his first-person point of view. I considered Henry Cavill, but he's too well-known as Superman and Geralt of Rivia, and I don't want to take him away from more Witcher series.
So for Harry Dresden, I'm going to go with Thomas Jane, who played a similar private-detective role (without the magic but with science fiction elements) on The Expanse.
Bob the Skull, Harry's sounding board at least at first, well, I'm going to go with Patton Oswalt because Oswalt is awesome. Probably limited to voice acting.
Karrin Murphy, a cop that eventually gets dragged into all the paranormal shit and becomes Harry's partner (in several senses of the word) -- well, I had to ask a friend about this, but Kristen Bell from The Good Place would be perfect.
Ebenezer McCoy is Dresden's mentor and (spoiler, sorry) grandfather, an old Scottish man. No, I'm not casting Sean Connery. I like Peter Capaldi, the 12th Doctor Who, for the role.
There are, like, a million other characters, as you'd expect for such a long series of novels. I mean, Mark Sheppard has to be in there somewhere because he's Mark Sheppard, but I don't know who he'd play.
In the end, though, I just want this to happen. I need this to happen. No matter who gets cast, as long as the series is as awesome as the books. Because polka will never die! |
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Oh boy. Minefield ahead.
PROMPT July 22nd
Make a list of the top five most important virtues and why.
I looked at this site to help me remember what some virtues are called.
Some of those below aren't on that list. As always, ask me another time and I'll have different answers; consistency is most definitely not one of my traits. So without further disclaimer, my Top 5 Most Important Virtues, in order, as of right now.
5. Humor. I find it important to have a sense of humor, because it's better than sinking into the abyss of despair. By finding humor in absurd situations, I can maintain a clear head and keep things in perspective.
4. Flexibility. We humans are characterized by, among other things, our ability to adapt. Failure to do so rejects what makes us human just as surely as lacking a sense of humor does. I'm stubborn about a lot of things, but when new information comes in, I adjust my actions and worldview accordingly.
3. Reliability. It's important, I think, to keep one's commitments. So much so, in fact, that I'm averse to committing to anything, because my flexibility means that if circumstances change, I change as well. But once I make a commitment, I do my damnedest to follow through. This is not just so that other people can benefit, but also as a matter of self-respect.
2. Curiosity. Another human trait is curiosity; that is, the desire to know things and figure out what makes things work. This is the basis for science and philosophy. To me, it's important to always be learning. This also means the desire to try, and to experience, things that are new to me.
1. Fairness. The world is fundamentally unfair. This should go without saying. People who do horrible things are often rewarded, while those who do great things can be overlooked. It's necessary, then, to be as fair as I can be, and not treat people differently because I'm in their tribe or clan or whatever. The world being unfair is often used as an excuse by crappy people to be unfair themselves; this misses the point entirely.
And now, just because I can, I'm also going to list my Top 5 Things That People Think Are Virtues, But Really Aren't:
5. Tolerance. I mention this because tolerance simply doesn't go far enough. I don't want to be tolerated; I want to be accepted. I assume others are the same way. That doesn't mean I'm not going to snark at you if you like to drink Coors Light instead of real beer, but at base, I accept that people are different from me and that it's a good thing. Diversity is strength.
4. Faith. This is going to piss some people off, I know. I define "faith" as "belief in something with little to no evidence for it." Think aliens are going to come save us from ourselves? No evidence. Think God is just and loving (or even exists)? No evidence for it. Think your life is going to work out just fine? No evidence for it; in fact, all evidence points to us all dying at some point. Faith negates curiosity and learning. Faith makes people susceptible to manipulation. Faith is complacency. No thanks.
3. Productivity. I mean, seriously, people, this has become the secular capitalist religion of choice these days. It boils down to working harder and/or smarter to enrich your bosses. "How to Be More Productive." "Productivity Tips & Tricks." "Productivity for Dummies." Screw that. Live your life.
2. Temperance. Related to the above, sometimes indulgence is good for one's mental health. As Heinlein put it, "Everything in excess. Moderation is for monks."
1. Continence. By which I mean the definition with sexual connotations. People are just too damn prudish. This of course doesn't mean forcing your will on someone; that's clearly wrong. They talk about "consent." As with tolerance, consent doesn't go far enough. How about some enthusiasm? Sex is part of life, and one of the biggest lies foisted upon us was the idea that it's sinful. No. It's only sinful if it hurts someone; hence the "enthusiasm" part. Be responsible, take precautions, absolutely, but it's not in itself anything more or less controversial than driving or having a barbecue.
Just because I have time, I'm going to also list my Top 5 Things that People Think are Vices but Really Aren't.
5. Selfishness. Too much is bad, obviously, but you gotta think of yourself too.
4. Drunkenness. I mean, sure, if it makes you do bad things, maybe don't get drunk. But for me, it just makes the room spin and then I pass out.
3. Laziness. As with everything else in this section, too much can hurt you and those close to you, but look at the world around you: just about every human-created bad thing you see is the result of people being too productive with their time. Relax. Have a drink. Also, there's no inherent virtue in waking up early.
2. Lust. This is related to some of the shit above. I firmly (pun intended) believe that there's a big difference between thinking something and doing it. Covet thy neighbor's spouse all you want; just know that doing something about it will almost certainly have negative consequences for everyone involved.
1. Inconsistency. Again, if you don't change when it's necessary, you're being foolish. Know when to relent and change your mind. Like I will next time one of these prompts comes up. For example, I've written before in here about how I think compassion is an important virtue. I still think it is (though it's probably the basis for fairness and acceptance). But it doesn't make my top five. Not today, anyway. Ask me again tomorrow.
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Normally, writing a letter to a 15-year-old would get me put on a List somewhere.
PROMPT July 21st
Write a letter to your fifteen-year-old self.
But, I suppose since it's me, I should be safe.
Dear Shit-For-Brains,
Don't take it personally. Every fifteen-year-old has shit for brains.
I suppose I could warn you about some things that are coming up, but then you'd avoid them and I wouldn't be me. Besides, you're fifteen and you won't listen anyway.
Just you do you and everything will turn out okay, until it doesn't.
You will be shocked to know that you live (at least) almost halfway into your fifties. Don't let that go to your head.
Speaking of heads, despite what everyone's telling you, you won't go bald before you're 30. In fact, our hair is currently longer than it's ever been. I could tell you why, but you wouldn't believe me.
They finally finished Star Wars. So there's that to look forward to. Eh... sort of.
When you read this, it's 1981, and you think Ronald Reagan is the worst possible president. That's cute.
Oooh. Music is going to suck for the next 12 years. Except for Springsteen, of course.
Yes, it's now 2020. You're expecting flying cars, underwater cities, and missions to other star systems. What you'll get is secret police, mass surveillance, and -- you're really not going to believe this one -- we haven't even been back to the moon.
We have a few robots on Mars, though, and they haven't enslaved us yet.
Oh, and whatever you do, don't ***CENSORED BY ORDER OF TIME POLICE***
Say hi to Mom and Dad for me.
Regards,
Shit-For-Brains
(some things never change) |
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“If they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they put all of them there?”
PROMPT July 20th
In 1969, Neil Armstrong first set foot on the moon. Afterward, people commonly complained, “If they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they ______.” How would you finish that statement today?
make moon landing hoax conspiracy "theories" go away.
Seriously, this is the stupidest damn thing since flat-earth bullshit.
This nonsense pisses me off more than other nonsense, though. And I'll try to put the reason why into words, but I'm not sure I'll be successful.
There has always been an undercurrent of willful ignorance in humanity in general and the US in particular. I think people want absolutes, but there's no such thing, so there's backlash. "What do we really know, anyway? How dare we try to find the answers when we're merely human?" That sort of epistemological bullshit.
The Apollo program, political though it was, and born out of the worst case of national dick-measuring to ever consume two countries, was one of the greatest achievements of humankind. Taking a cue from the concentrated effort we made in World War II to construct nuclear weapons, we used the same sort of scientific/technological think-tank approach, not for the purpose of blowing people up (though that was always a hazard with the kind of propellants they used), but for a peaceful project.
And there's no doubt that it happened. I mean, we can be as certain about it as we can be about anything.
Hell, faking it in 1969 would have cost even more money than the actual moon landing did, and you'd have to somehow convince thousands of people to keep the cover-up a secret. People who worked on the project. People who covered it for the news. People who watched the launches. The astronauts themselves.
And yet... I suppose some of these know-nothings just can't wrap their heads around the idea that humankind can actually achieve anything. I really can't think of much else that would motivate the deniers, apart from an abiding contempt for themselves and their fellow humans. It's the same sort of mindset that makes them believe that we couldn't possibly have built the pyramids or Stonehenge or whatever, so it must have been aliens.
"I'm stupid and I couldn't have done it; therefore, no one else could have either."
I guess. I don't know.
To deny the achievement of landing dudes on the moon is to deny the fundamental potential of humanity itself.
So really, very little pisses me off more than this sort of thing. I'm not advocating suppression of freedom of speech, but such bullshit has to be met with reality, facts, and, yes, utter scorn.
I'm also not advocating punching the idiots who spout that crap.
But I don't blame Buzz Aldrin one bit for doing so.
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Does sleeping count as a hobby?
PROMPT July 19th
Besides writing, tell us about a hobby you have. How did you discover it? How long have you been doing it?
Eh, probably not.
How about drinking?
Nah, that's more like a sacred calling for me.
I've had several hobbies and interests over the centuries, and I tend to cycle through them. But there's one hobby that's been my constant companion since I first got a computer when I was... 13? Something like that. This was long before the internet or handheld devices. I'm referring, of course, to video games.
And by "video games" I mean "games played on a computer." Never got into consoles; I hate those controllers. I'm also not a fan of multiplayer games, because gamers are dicks and I'd rather play solo games.
In the early days, I got interested enough to learn some basic programming to code my own games, but tech quickly outstripped my ability to keep up. It's like beer: if I could be arsed, I could probably learn how to brew, but I'd rather just enjoy the fruits of others' labor.
So yeah. I'll call that my major hobby. Some people might consider it a waste of time, I know, but I see it as the purpose of time. Everything else is a waste of time that I could be spending playing a game. |
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How come it's never a girlcott?
PROMPT July 18th
Have you ever boycotted a company or product? If so, tell us the story. If not, what would a company have to do for you to boycott its products?
My big decision for the day was this: beer, wine, scotch, tequila, gin, rum, or other?
I went with wine.
A few years ago, on one of my cross-country expeditions, I passed through a tiny spot in Indiana called Gnaw Bone.
This made me laugh.
On another cross-country expedition, I found myself driving through Gnaw Bone again, and this time I decided to stop. There is a winery there. One of their products is called Chateau Gnaw Boné, which is a cranberry-apple-brandy Frankenwine. I picked up a bottle and took it home.
Tonight was the night to drink it.
The funny thing is, there's some debate over how Gnaw Bone got its name. My personal theory? As with many other place names in Indiana, such as Terre Haute, Lafayette, Versailles, etc., I think the town - village - wide spot in the road - whatever was originally a French place, in this case named Narbonne.
Because Americans can't pronounce French for shit.
Anyway. This shit is 23% ABV, and even with the help of my housemate, I'm definitely feeling the effects. So here's my attempt at actually addressing the prompt.
I have not participated in an official boycott.
Oh, I'd like to say I'm boycotting Chick-Fil-A or whatever because of their policies, but this means jack shit because I'd never eat there anyway.
Starbucks, to take another example, could disappear from the face of the planet and it would make zero difference to me, because I've been to one, like... twice?
Thing is, I'm not going to inconvenience myself over petty political differences. I just don't give enough of a shit. Your factory employs people making $1 a day or whatever? Well, then, let's all decide to stop buying from that place and make sure the people make $0 a day instead. That makes sense.
That was sarcasm.
Ask me again when I'm sober and I'll probably have a different answer. But right now, I couldn't care less if you paid me to.
So to answer the last part of the prompt, you pretty much have to be an unutterably fascist piece of shit for me to boycott your products. But chances are I pick up on that before it becomes public, so my refusal to buy shit from you makes zero difference. Like, I've never liked Donald Trump, regardless of politics, so I refused to go to his winery, which is near here. Now, as you know, me refusing alcohol is like, well, someone in the desert refusing a drink of water. But I couldn't boycott his wines after he became president because I never drank them in the first place.
For all I know, the owner of the winery in Gnaw Bone, Indiana has political views I disagree with. I don't care. I'm still using his or her products to get drunk on.
On that note, I'mma finish this bottle of wine. Because this prompt made me talk about politics, which I hate to do. |
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It shouldn't surprise anyone to know that music is, indeed, very important to me.
PROMPT July 17th
How important is the role of music in your life and in your creative process? Do you write to music? If so, what kind and why do you think it helps?
There was a prompt here a while back that asked the age-old question: if you had to choose between losing sight or hearing, which would you choose? And it was a difficult choice because, while I dislike about 75% of all sounds, the other 25% is music and I'd hate to live without that. On the other hand, I couldn't play video games if I were blind.
Anyway, this prompt isn't that one, but I mention that to illustrate my mindset when it comes to sounds. I've known people who insist on having the TV on all the time for "background noise." This is anathema to me. If I want sound in the background, it's going to be music, not some jibber-jabber on the boob tube.
Another thing that surprised me when I found out about it is the number of people who don't listen to lyrics. I seriously can't wrap my head around that. While all aspects of music work together, I need to know what the lyrics are, and they'd better have some meaning or I won't like the song. This doesn't apply to instrumentals, obviously.
I've tried writing with music playing and without, and I can't say that it's made much of a difference. These days, mostly I just listen to music when I feel like it, which is not all the time. I'm perfectly content with silence, and I can usually tune out ambient noise except when the fucking neighbor mows their goddamn lawn three times a week.
There is one situation, though, when music is absolutely essential to me, and that is when I'm driving.
10 years ago this month, when I bought my current car, lots of things sold me on it, but the most important feature to me was its face-melting sound system. For the first time in my life, I wouldn't have to mortgage my house to pay someone to install an aftermarket stereo. One time, I bought a car at auction for $340, an old Toyota that was only firing on three cylinders and had exposed springs in the driver's seat, but it ran, and the very first thing I did was drive across the street to Crutchfield to buy a $900 stereo system with surround-sound speakers and a subwoofer that didn't really fit in the trunk but I made it work anyway.
Priorities, you know.
I know a lot of people prefer to listen to talk radio or audiobooks while driving, but to me those require too much concentration. Music fills the idle hole in my brain that's left over when driving only takes up a portion of my attention (albeit the main portion), while still letting my mind wander sometimes and get ideas.
Trying to imagine doing my cross-country road trips without music is like trying to imagine a movie without actors.
A long time ago, I had the idea to include a different song with every blog entry, but by the time I got back to blogging, other people had already run with the idea, so I only pursue it sometimes. But because it's appropriate, today I'll leave you with this, one of my all-time favorite songs:
So pick up your feet
got to move to the trick of the beat
there is no elite
just take your place in the driver's seat. |
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Harbinger of Doom! The End is Nigh! Repent and follow the ways of SCIENCE!!!
Officially designated C/2020 F3, Comet NEOWISE was discovered on March 27 and had until this week been visible only to committed comet viewers willing to wake up in the early pre-dawn hours.
You mean "willing to stay up until the late pre-dawn hours."
I'm actually in a crappy place to view the comet. Sight lines to the east and west are blocked by trees. Sure, I could drive somewhere, but I haven't driven my car for four months and I'm seeing how long a streak I can keep up. Damn thing probably won't start now, it's been so long. Fortunately, I have roadside assistance.
But I digress. Comet.
It shouldn't surprise anyone that I've been following along. It's all the Astronomy Picture of the Day could talk about for the last week or so. This one's my favorite:
https://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap200714.html
You can follow the links there to more images.
Until SCIENCE!!! came along, as I'm sure you're aware, comets were considered harbingers of doom. There was good reason for this: Doom happened with astonishing frequency, so once you see a comet, some disaster would inevitably follow within days, months, years, or decades, and they could then blame it on the comet.
Okay, so that's not actually a good reason, but when did humans need a reason to be illogical?
Anyway, I could get into the science and the history, but the NYT article linked in the prompt covers it all pretty well. Except it doesn't go into the whole "harbinger of doom" thing, perhaps because it's obvious bull hockey. Still, the fact is, people believed that shit, and I think it's very important to know that the more we learn, the more we study, the further into the background superstition can recede.
I say "can," because there's a whole lot of superstition now. We call some of it "conspiracy theories," and no amount of debunking seems to nudge them off their ignorant perch.
Hopefully, I'll get a chance to see it sometime in the next few days. As the article notes, July 23 will be a high point for the comet in the sky, and I might be able to catch a glimpse from somewhere in my neighborhood.
I really wish Nerd Camp had happened this year (and in July instead of August). Then I would have been able to see it from high in the Rockies, through a professional telescope, hanging out with an actual astronomer. Specifically, this guy. I got to meet him two years ago, and we had some great talks about science and science fiction.
He also makes even worse puns than I do.
Speaking of which, it's time to announce the winner of yesterday's Mini-Contest!
Several of you amused me. Decent pun, Fivesixer, good to see you branching out. I have to admit I didn't click on the YouTube link that bobturn provided; after I explicitly stated that I don't find pranks on my person to be amusing, I just assume any naked YouTube link is a rickroll. PuppyTales thinks she's funny, but she's not. And Elle - on hiatus pushed the boundaries of this blog's rating to near their shattering point. ForeverDreamer, your joke wasn't out of bounds. And, SandraLynn, I also heard someone stole all the toilets from the police station, and the cops have nothing to go on. I appreciated all of the other comments too, funny or not, but I gotta award the prize to the dark humor of:
Sumojo: The woman took her dog to the vet. He examined the dog and shook his head and sighed. “I’m going to have to put him down.” He said.
The woman was horrified, “ Why!” She asked
“He’s getting heavy.” The vet replied.
It would seem that other people agree with me, based on the number of "Likes" that one produced, but this isn't a democracy; that's just a coincidence. Sumojo, I'll send your Merit Badge in a little bit.
Thanks again for all the comments, and I'll do another one in a few days! |
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Some people say I'm funny. I have to remember that looks aren't everything.
Merit Badge Mini-Contest Day! See below for details.
PROMPT July 15th
Describe your sense of humor. Is it dark, sarcastic, slapstick, silly, or something else? Do you have any favorite comedians? What always makes you laugh?
All that and more, I guess?
I don't usually categorize humor until after experiencing it, at which point it's not funny anymore, so I usually don't bother.
Having done editorials for the Comedy newsletter for something like 13 years, I've had quite a bit to say about humor. If you've read any of those, or if you've read enough of this blog, you probably already have a pretty good idea what I find amusing. Most likely, you know better than I do.
Like everything else, my views on comedy have evolved over time. I remember when I was in high school, Young Me had an unfortunate (to Old Me) tendency toward gross humor. I had a spare notebook, and in it, I collected jokes. There were a couple of pages dedicated to dead baby jokes in particular. Every time I heard one, I'd write it down. My first attempts at crafting comedy came from making up my own dead baby jokes.
Whether it's from repetition or maturity (gods forbid), I don't usually find them funny anymore. I have to say, though, I'm kinda stoked that some of the ones I invented are still circulating -- though it's not like someone else couldn't have come up with them independently.
When it comes to dark humor (as opposed to gross humor), things get a little more complicated. You walk a line with those. As my friend's kid once told me, "dark humor is like food: not everyone gets it."
I howled.
Some other things that are never funny to me:
 Any pun on the name of the seventh planet. Give it a rest, already. Yes, I get it, it sounds like "your anus." Ha fucking ha.
Whenever I talk about the possibility of intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, some would-be comedian always, without fail, brings up the old "there's none here either" or some variant thereof. That was funny exactly once, when Monty Python did it.
Pranks played on me. Pranks played on anyone else are hilarious, though.
Rape jokes. Look, I have to admit, sometimes jokes based on stereotypes can be mildly amusing, though they really shouldn't be. But rape jokes just aren't funny.
Fart jokes. Hey, I can be mentally ten years old, too. But come on. We get it, people fart.
One thing, and exactly one thing, is never NOT funny to me:
Horse masks. Those things are always comedy gold.
Which, when I think about it, makes zero sense, logically -- insofar as one can apply logic to humor. Almost all humor, almost without exception, is based on someone's pain, physical or emotional. There's a line from Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land that I used to quote in every Comedy newsletter before I branched out:
“I had thought – I had been told – that a ‘funny’ thing is a thing of a goodness. It isn’t. Not ever is it funny to the person it happens to. Like that sheriff without his pants. The goodness is in the laughing itself. I grok it is a bravery … and a sharing … against pain and sorrow and defeat.”
Even my preferred method of crafting comedy, the all-powerful pun, follows this pattern -- because it's painful to the listener. When's the last time someone honestly laughed at a pun (absent chemical influences)? No, you don't laugh at a pun, because a pun hurts. It twists the mind. The only one who laughs at a pun is the one who created it, which is why I prefer to be the one creating them.
My father always told me that a pun is the lowest form of humor. No, Dad. You were right about a lot of things, but not that.
Except, of course, any pun involving a certain ice giant out past Saturn.
It takes a brilliant mind to create a pun, one that's not afraid to make connections that shouldn't be there. I obviously qualify. Hell, I'm so bright my father called me "Sun."
But getting back to the prompt...
I guess the only thing I haven't addressed yet is "favorite comedian." I almost hesitate to go there. 20 years ago, if someone said their favorite comedian was Bill Cosby, that person would be kicking themself right now. How do I know that anyone I say won't turn out to be as uncool as he was revealed to be?
Besides, I already answered this, kind of, in a previous post, when I talked about Patton Oswalt. I just caught his new routine on Netflix a few days ago, and it had me rolling.
Ask me next week, and I'll have another answer.
Comedy is funny that way.
WIN a MERIT BADGE!
Tell me a joke in the comments below. Keep in mind I've heard most of them already, so delivery matters. Don't get lazy and link something. It can be a riddle, a joke, a limerick (though remember we're 18+ here), or whatever as long as it's funny. The one I like best will get a Merit Badge tomorrow. As usual, the deadline is midnight WDC time.
As a bonus, I might throw one or more of them into the Comedy newsletter next week. Okay, yes, I'm stumped for ideas for the editorial, so it's up to you to inspire me. |
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Godsdammit.
PROMPT July 14th
If you won a free trip to any foreign country, all expenses paid in your own private jet and had the time to go (and there were no travel restrictions due to a global pandemic  ), what is the first foreign country you would visit? Who would you bring with you? What would you spend your time doing?
Now? I'm going to do this prompt NOW?
I've said some of this shit before, but I'm going to say it again for any new readers, and because I'm fucking pissed. In the American sense, not the British.
Last year was my mostly-stay-at-home year. Not only did I want to conserve money for upcoming trips, but I wanted to lose weight so I wouldn't look like a typical American.
I was mostly successful at both.
The plan was to go to Scotland in May with a friend for the Islay festival. One tiny island, nearly a dozen Scotch distilleries. My friend ghosted me. Covfefe-19 happened. I didn't go to Scotland. Still, this was supposed to be the year I cut loose a little bit, traveled more, saw more movies in theaters, that sort of thing. Damn this pandemic to the fires of Oblivion.
I have plans to visit Belgium next year with my friend Artemismad Scientist  . For that, I'm learning French. If I feel like I can understand that language, I'll also try to learn some Dutch. As a bonus, that means I could get by in France and the Netherlands also. Yes, I know that a lot of people in all those countries know English. That's no excuse; I refuse to be known as "the ugly American." This shit will not be resolved by next year. So I doubt I'm going to Belgium or France. Or Scotland. Or the Netherlands. Or Belize. Or even travel in the US.
I'm prone to depression and this shit is not helping. Not the pandemic, not the travel restrictions caused by the pandemic, and certainly not prompts like this one. The only thing I have to look forward to these days is travel and death, and it looks like the latter is going to happen before the former.
Even if I somehow manage to stay alive and reasonably healthy (unlikely), my passport will probably expire before I get a chance to travel again. And I haven't even used it since I last renewed.
So you'll excuse me if dreaming about travel just makes me ranty. I'm generally a stay at home type, but what keeps me going, what keeps me from sinking into the dark depths of depression is a) booze and b) knowing that I can travel to try exotic booze.
At least I still have (a). For now.
The countries I mentioned are not my only desired destinations, but I try not to think of the others, so I'm going to stop myself right here.
As for the prompt, ask me last year and I would have said "Scotland." And I still want to go to the Islay festival at some point, with someone who appreciates the world's greatest whiskey. Or whisky. I forget which countries spell it which way. After a few it won't matter anyway.
But right now? In the utterly impossible scenario above? Belgium. With my friend, as I mentioned, and whoever else wants to go. Primarily, I'm interested in immersing myself, at least figuratively, in Belgian beer. Trappist ales, saisons, whatever. I can get some of them here -- I just had a nice couple of bottles of Delirium Nocturnum yesterday, and there's still one in my fridge along with a big bottle of Kwak -- but as with California and wine, they keep the really good stuff for themselves.
And then there's the food. Ever seen the Belgian flag? I'm pretty sure it's a representation of chocolate, beer, and waffles. Belgium is the one country that out-Frenches the French when it comes to cuisine.
But, contrary to popular belief (that I encourage), I can't eat and drink all the time. I'm curating a list of Belgian sites I want to visit. Here are a few:
Musée Hergé, a museum dedicated to Belgium's most famous non-consumable export:
https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/herge-museum
Speaking of Belgian beer:
https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/delirium-cafe
The most metal sculpture in existence:
https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/the-atomium-brussels-belgium
That Damme Canal:
https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/damme-canal
"Yes, I'd like to visit the Hergé museum and also this one. Why are you looking at me like that?"
https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/torture-museum-bruges
Because why not:
https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/tour-cybernetique-cybernetic-tower
"According to this bar, God gave an '11th commandment' to Antwerp: Thou shalt drink beer."
https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/elfde-gebod-eleventh-commandment
Yes, those are all from Atlas Obscura. I have at least a dozen more of them saved. I go to that site when I want to torture myself with dreams of places I can't freaking go to right now.
Grrrr.
Now I'm all depressed again. Maybe I'll open that last bottle of Nocturnum. |
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My favorite summer activity is the same as my favorite fall, winter, and spring activity.
PROMPT July 13th
Write about your favorite summer activity.
The only difference is a) where it happens (indoors or outdoors) and b) what kind of beer.
When I was a kid, in the summers I'd relax after a long mammoth hunt by swimming in the bay behind our house. Okay, no, I'm not really that old, but once I start a running joke, I don't know when to quit.
It gets hot in Virginia in the summer. Hot and humid. My dad didn't believe in air conditioning, so during the hottest parts of the summer, I'd cool off in the calm waters. I'd see weekenders out in their sailboats and cabin cruisers, venturing sometimes to the marina next door. We had a garden, and back then I didn't kill plants just by looking at them like I do now, so I'd work in the garden or the field until I just couldn't deal anymore, and jump in the drink.
My feet got covered in crab pinch welts. Curse those arthropod demons.
I don't swim anymore. I don't live next to the water these days, and boating doesn't appeal to me except as a guest on someone else's craft. Too much work. And there's no way I'm going to deal with all the crowds, kids and germs at a public swimming pool.
When I was married, we'd go to the beach in September, when it's still warm but the place is nearly empty, other peoples' kids at school. Never did see the attraction of sitting on the beach doing nothing. If I'm going to do nothing, I might as well do it in the shade or, better yet, in air conditioning. It doesn't help that my skin is as pale as a white rabbit covered in snow, and I utterly despise putting on sunscreen.
I'm not much for separating beer by season; I'll happily drink a stout in summer and a wit in winter. But the yearly cycle of beer styles does have some effect in that the lighter beers tend to be more available in the summer.
My favorite beer season, if not my favorite weather season, is fall. Then, the Oktoberfest lagers and pumpkin ales come out, and most of them are just not available at other times of year. In the winter you have your stouts and spiced beers, and in the spring... well, there's not much special going on in the beer world in spring, except that it's the time when breweries tend to open their outdoor seating after a long winter, and you can sit there enjoying a wide variety in the open air.
But in the summer, a nice pale brew can be refreshing. While I'm not a big fan of IPAs, there are wheat beers, lagers, whites, and other brews of relatively low ABV that suit the season. But again, if I feel like drinking a heavy, high-octane stout in the 90 degree heat? I'll drink one.
So that's my favorite summer activity: drinking beer. Doesn't matter where I am: beach, mountains, suburbs, home... these days, of course, it's mostly at home.
When I can do it again -- if I can do it again -- I'm going to do a summer road trip, visit breweries in exotic locales like Michigan, Texas, or the West Coast. Maybe even Canada if they ever decide to let us barbarians back in. Most of my road trips have been fall or winter, which always runs the risk of accursed snow.
Just as long as I stay out of the direct rays of the blasted daystar and there's a beer at the end of the day. |
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I've journaled, on and off, for about as long as I could write.
PROMPT July 12th
When did you first start blogging? (anywhere, not necessarily on WDC) Why? What did you blog about? (subjects, topics, personal news, etc.) Has your blogging style changed since you began?
My first blog began in 2005. It wasn't long after I joined here, and I guess I just wanted to start it on New Year's Day. A resolution of sorts, I suppose, back when I still had some interest in resolutions.
It wasn't this one. Back then the blogs had a lower size limit, and I think I was approaching it, so I created this one instead -- mostly because I thought of the perfect title for it. The old one lasted two years; this one's been around for thirteen, though with a very long hiatus. Never could be arsed to turn off the blog entry notifications in my email, either. Six or seven years of "Your blog misses you! Write an entry!"
Before the first blog, I did things the old-fashioned way: scratches on bark, or cuneiform. Okay, no, it was pen/pencil on lined notebook paper.
My handwriting sucks. Always has. I don't know what happened to those old journals. Hopefully they're smoke now. Later, I started using block caps, which are at least more legible, but the writing was just as pathetic.
As with anything, you get better with practice. At least, I hope I do.
I think I gradually picked up the habit of linking things I found interesting and commenting on them. I mean, for a while there I was all about personal stuff, but my life these days just isn't all that interesting unless I'm traveling -- and I have an offsite blog for that, one that makes it easier to include photos.
It's clear that I gravitate toward certain subjects more than others: various branches of science, philosophy, humor, language, music, drinking, and, yes, writing. I try to stay clear of politics because political arguments make me angsty. Sports is barely even on my radar.
Occasionally I'll look back at my old stuff and go "gods, what an idiot." Chances are that 15 years from now, if I'm still alive and can still see, I'll look back at this entry and go, "gods, what a moron." Chances are even better that a whole bunch of people are already saying that.
Still, because my memory is crap (for anything not involving song lyrics), it's good for me to have a record. And if someone else gets entertainment out of it, too, that's great.
So thanks for reading! |
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