Falling With Each Step

They stare at me. Everyone looks at me differently. Their eyes watch me the same way they did when they discovered us hiding in the bathroom in each others arms. Something wonderful scared them and now someone solemn, naked, and wounded amuses their curiosities. Although they are around me I am lonely. With each step towards class I fall and pray that one of my legs has enough strength to catch me. I repeat it two hundred and three times to homeroom today. Fall, extend leg, catch body, fall extend leg, catch body because that is all walking is, a trust that you will catch yourself with each fall. I no longer trust myself.

Halfway through Mrs. Robertson’s lecture on Romeo and Juliet I run out to the bathroom with pains in the pit of my stomach. Over the sink I splash water onto my face and watch in the mirror as my eyeliner rolls down each cheek. The black droplet on the left drips onto my collar bone, yet the ugliest flaw is not my ruined makeup but the scar across my left eyebrow. Red, deep, and sore it has not healed but you have been gone for two weeks already. I cried at this sink when I first met you, Sarah.

“Are you alright?” The tall girl asked after she entered the restroom. Her hair was dark brown and her eyes a light gray. My first instinct was to yell at her and tell her to mind her own business but once I saw she was concerned I cried even more.

“No. I…I…don’t know. I hate this place. Why did my parents move us here?” I cried through sobs. She took my face into her hands and began to clean my tears and fix my makeup.

“It’s not so bad here. Besides you haven’t met me yet. I am Sarah and I promise now everything will get better.”

It was alright for a while. You made everything dance, and sing even when it rained you found it beautiful and made it so for me as well. Today the sun is shinning, but the blue sky is all I see.

My thoughts were sidetracked when a tiny squeak and moan came from the door to the bathroom. A tall girl with dark brown hair and blue eyes entered the restroom. Her smile quickly faded as she caught sight of my tears. At first it was like a ghost had entered the room but perhaps she was sent by you to help me.

“Are you alright? Do you need any help?” She asked and I shook my head ‘no’. She was nervous and her arms covered her chest.

“I am okay.” I said and she stepped over to me.

“I am sorry. I wish I could do more but today is my first day here and I…”

“Don’t worry.” I said and after I cleaned my makeup I left her in the restroom.

I did not stay to talk to this new girl. I did not give her my name. If I had wanted to be friendly to her perhaps I would have been like you Sarah, but I am not. I am me and right now even that is hard to be.

Julie shook herself from her awe. That girl with the short choppy black hair was breath taking. Certainly she was not in her most beautiful state but had she not been crying she would have been perfect. Julie thought of all the things she could have said or done, but now it was too late and first impressions are everything.

Lunch came around and Julie was immediately welcomed into a group of kids that appeared to know every bit of gossip around campus. Most of them wore skirts and pearls. Obviously Julie had been chosen by the richer kids in school to befriend.

“Look at Rowan! Christ she looks like she was in another accident.” Lana said in her high pitched snobbish tone and the other girls giggled.

“Lana you are bad.” One of the other girls said and more giggling followed.

“What happened to her?” Julie asked and there was a bit of silence.

“She and her dyke girlfriend were in a car accident. It was just and accident. Unfortunately Rowan survived. We don’t like people like that here so I would suggest you stay away from her.” Lana informed Julie.

“Well I like everyone. No matter whom they are and I do not take orders from my peers. Besides you all seem a little fake to me.” Julie said and she stood up and picked up her tray.

“Where does a newbie get the balls to talk to us like that? You really want a bad year don’t you?” Lana warned but Julie smiled and looked at the people who now feared and hated her existence.

“No, in fact it has already improved.” Julie said and she walked away.

I ate my lunch underneath the pecan tree we climbed up last month. Remember you helped boost me up and then you took my hand and met me at the second branch. It had started turning cool with the arrival of autumn and so we were wrapped into each others arms. You were telling me about your plans for college and I asked if you would still love me when you went away. Would you want me to join you the next year when I graduated? You said yes. I knew you were not lying. Again my memory was interrupted by that tall girl from the restroom. She stood above me with her tray and with a crooked smile asked to sit at our tree. I said she could. Do you mind?

“Thanks for letting me sit with you. My name is Julie. Actually it’s Julia but I go by Julie because, well I am not sure really.” She said and I nodded. “Look I was sitting with some really rude girls and I heard about your girlfriend. I am really sorry.” Julie said and my eyes widened as my mouth dropped a little.

“Thank you. Umm you are not afraid to be seen with me?” I asked in curiosity.

“No. Why?” She asked and for some reason I was ashamed of myself but you had loved me like it was alright to be different.

“Because I am gay and if people see you talking to me they will ostracize you. This is not the best way to start your first day of school.” I said and she laughed.

“I already am a target. I told off that Lana girl. Besides I am openly gay.” She said but I could not believe there was another person on campus like me.

After school Julie walked home with me. Mr. Henderson was sweeping his sidewalk. His dirty old broom was leaving more dust than it was removing. He acknowledged our presence with a loud grunt as we walked passed his endless labor. Julie was very talkative but conversation was not dull small talk. She talked about Chicago and how her parents had inherited a home in Texas. Moving to a small town seemed good to them. Chicago was too loud. She talked about her art and how she was a photographer. I would never have guessed that she took pictures with that expensive camera around her neck. I should not be sarcastic Sarah but I did not want to like her but she was so easy to like. We stopped for her to take a picture of a water hose leaking water into the street. I am sure there was something beautiful in that picture that I just could not see.

Julie and I parted when I arrived home. She waved to me and promised to meet me in the morning for the walk to school. I would enjoy the company and having someone to talk to would be good for me. Sarah, she is not you, but she is a nice girl. The door was locked and my step mom was not home. Dad was still at work and Caroline must have had to go to the grocery store. I heard a few steps behind me and than Lana walked passed me took out the house key and opened the door. She held it open but we did not speak. We shared the same house but not the same world. Caroline had left a note on the computer warning me she had once again found visited web addresses on the computer not suitable for a seventeen year old girl. I knew it was Lana who had broken computer rules but I would not say anything about it.

“Come upstairs with me.” Lana said and I obeyed as always. Inside her room I sat down on her bed against the wall. She handed me the newspaper from two weeks ago that she had hidden from me. On the front page was your car totaled beside it was your senior picture.

“Sarah.” I whispered and I looked at your face until my tears distorted your beauty. Lana leaned in and kissed me gently on my lips.

“Why do you always have to do that when you know I am not yours?” I asked but she did not back away from me.

“I cannot help myself.” She said and I ran out of her room.

Tonight I dreamt of you. We were in your car.

Sarah glanced into her rearview mirror. Lana and a group of girls tailgated us down the old dirt road to the river. They had been hidden along side the road and pulled out in a hurry after us. Lana’s truck hit the back of Sarah’s car with a threatening tap. Sarah sped up and we began to fly down the road at eighty miles per hour.

“Sarah slow down and pullover this is dangerous!” I cried and she glared at the rearview window.

“What do you think they will do to us if I pull over? For god sakes Rowan, that sister of yours beat you bloody the other day.” Sarah cried as Lana pulled her Truck up to the side of Sarah’s car.

Nina Farr tossed something out of the window into our windshield shattering it into pieces. We could not see and as Lana slowed down Sarah took the curve to fast. It was a mere five seconds but it seemed like an hour as we began to roll, flip, and land up against the tree. I did not have a chance to save you because I could not save myself. Somehow I had lived. Your funeral was two days later.

I woke up in a sweat. My waking was surreal. I uncovered my body but each movement was slow. Each step towards the bathroom was heavy. I looked at myself in the mirror and my tan face was white. My eyes encircled with a deep gray. I was tired. I just needed to sleep and forget you for one night.

Julie knocked on the door at fifteen till eight. At first no one answered but then Lana came to the door her eyes blood shot. She was not even dressed for school.

“I am here to walk to school with Rowan.” Julie said unsure if she was even at the right house.

“Rowan’s dead. She overdosed on medication last night.” Lana said and her painful words were cold in Julie’s chest.

“I…I …I’m sorry.” Julie said and Lana nodded then closed the door. It took her a little while before she left the porch. She has to trust herself. Fall, extend leg, catch body, fall, extend leg, catch body because that was what it took to complete each step. She had to trust herself not to fall.


Word Count: 1,968