Yak-Belly and the Feast – Fact or Fiction?

         Few stories are more widely known among goblins than of what happened to that scoundrel Yak-Belly and his ignominious Feast, and among the desert-dwelling Scorpion clan the tale is taught to children to explain how they came to live in such a wasteland. Did the Feast really happen or is it merely an allegorical tale to encourage goblins to do what is right? Witch-doctors have debated this question for many moons, yet they have not been able to pin-point the exact day when the Feast began or where Yak-Belly's sons built the great feasting hall.

         The Musasaug, the Word of Runa, the one true God, allows no room for doubt – the account is fact. How else could the details of the Feast be so precise – the layout, the measurements, the animals used? Even the genealogical accounts of Yak-Belly's lineage indicate the compilers of early goblin heritage were careful researchers, not mere fablers. References to Yak-Belly's indignities were made by the greatest of witch-doctors – Yelm, Duck-Hips, and Old Nisqually – of which their holiness has never been disputed.

         Peak-Deluge, the bringer of water, has even foretold of a Second Coming of the Feast that will give succor to the weak and starve the fat. “Just as it occurred in the time of Yak-Belly, so it will be in the Second Coming: there will be eating, there will be drinking, there will be wives and mistresses, until the Feast begins and destroys them all.” If the Feast had not happened, this statement would be meaningless.

         Indeed, Yak-Belly was a real goblin living in the early part of our history, about a thousand years after the first goblin was created. Goblins then were not the cavemen that men envision – hairy, dim-witted creatures who slouched about with clubs in their hands. Rebellious, perverted, superhuman in powers and intelligence, these goblins exerted ruinous influence on humans, dwarves, elves, and all the peoples of the world, stealing great technology and marrying their daughters. Goblins then lived much longer than goblins do now – sometimes longer than 900 years. Yak-Belly himself lived 950 years – at least half of it in disgrace. It is only because of the intermarriage of goblins with enslaved enemies that our life-spans have become shortened.

         Yak-Belly, son of Tiger-Gut, son of Sluice, son of the Scorpion King Suave-Face, was once a favored goblin of the Lord Runa for he sacrificed chipmunks every moon, prayed for the strength of his clan, and did not keep women of other races. In those days Runa was known to be disguising himself as an ogre hermit at the bottom of Elma Basin, and no goblin had ever been allowed to look upon him without being eaten. (Many sought this end as a sign of great devotion.) No doubt it was with a great deal of joy that Yak-Belly received a letter from the one true God:

                   Yak-Belly,

                   You are known among your clan as having gigantic arms with which
                   you create many flavors. I will bring ruin upon all goblin flesh unless
                   you build me a feast in which a serving of every animal in the world
                   should be offered, so that I may find a more delicious creature to
                   destroy, for the taste of goblins has grown sour due to intermarriage
                   with other races of the world.

                                                                               Grunt,
                                                                               Runa

         The Musasaug does not explicitly say how Yak-Belly responds, but since Yak-Belly enjoyed cooking and feasting above all things, even above the slaughter of enemies, surely he was overwhelmed with excitement. Needless to say, he did exactly as Runa commanded him.

         The Feast that Yak-Belly cooked was enormous – longer than the Debo Mesa and as high as the Necti Mountain. The sons of his wives and mistresses had to build a special building to hold it all. It may have taken more than 5 years to round up all the animals of the world and over 50 days in the kitchen. To properly de-bone and prepare all the animals it required advanced culinary techniques as well as the use of such sophisticated cutlery as cooking shears. What is more, Yak-Belly had to cook for his family and for the animals that he planned to cook later. What a relief it must have been when everything was ready!

         The Feast lasted for 40 days and 40 nights. All of the goblins in the Scorpion clan were invited as well as Runa, who had begun his journey out of Elma Basin when the first whiff of food reached his nose. (It is well-known that Runa's sense of smell was far greater than a normal ogre's despite his outward appearance.) Peacock eyes, newt tails, leg of zebra – these were the first to be sampled. The Lionid Brew made from the urine of lions mixed with the choicest berries of Senegig Hill, was wheeled into the feasting hall in barrels, and the party-goers drank their fill. They piled platters high and danced around Runa, throwing morsel upon morsel into his insatiable maw, and the Lord of all grew fat. Roasted peacock, beetles wrapped in rosebuds, and panda innards. (The last is largely regarded as the only dish that was completely rejected.)

         Yak-Belly, relieved to be done with the ordeal of preparing such a feast, helped himself to the Lionid Brew and joined the festivities. He lay with enslaved nymphs and played games of chance with Runa's own dice. This overtly shameful behavior came so close to disrupting the arrangement of Runa's order that it was with great resistance that the Lord God didn't snap up Yak-Belly amid all the other delectibles. Alas, Runa, forebore the behavior of those wicked goblins!

         It was on the 509th course of butterfly-stuffed snakes, after weeks of merry-making, that goblins began to pass out in the feasting hall amid the empty platters. Oh, Runa! The shame of the Scorpion Clan will never be forgotten! Yak-Belly, exhausted and inebriated, knocked the flaming goat fajitas over and the feasting hall caught fire. Runa, the one True God, was so fat from eating he couldn't escape, sleeping party-goers died from smoke inhalation, and the fire spread across the whole Earth.

         The Yakbellian Fire occurred more than 4,000 years ago, so there are no eyewitness survivors. However, the written record of the Musasaug states that the fire raged for another 40 days, and overwhelmed the tallest mountains. Some may wonder if the story of a fire covering the entire earth is a myth or at least an exaggeration. Not at all! There are nineteen deserts, the ancestral lands of the Scorpion Clan among them, that are evidence of lands that never completely recovered from the Fire.

         Yak-Belly, in all his wickedness, survived the Fire along with a handful of his clan. He tried to convince them that the world had been cleansed by the grace of Runa, but the goblins seeing all of their animals cooked and eaten, their lands scorched, and their beloved Runa burned alive, could not forgive Yak-Belly. They banished him and his mistresses and sons to a mountaintop.

         Runa has since returned in two other forms – the Eon of Dragon Spawn and Era of Dolphinium. It is said that he will not return until the Second Coming of Fire wipes clean the Earth again of the wicked doubters that have grown amid the goblin ranks. If goblins come to think of Yak-Belly as a mythical figure, the warnings of all the prophets, not to mention all the chefs, will befuddle the senses and endanger our chances of surviving the next tribulation. Repent! Repent! Pray for the fourth coming of Runa and the next great Feast!


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