Item Reviewed: "Run for the Roses "   by Zeke
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
There is much to love here.

Let's start with the two main characters, Shag and his neice Lauren. You've done an awesome job protraying their relationship. They clearly care for each deeply, as shown by their banter and other behaviors. Shag appears to be a bit of a slacker who likes beer better than work, while Lauren is more no-nonsense, nudging him with good cheer in a more purposful direction. This is all revealed through their words and deeds--masterful characterization and quite hard to do.

The writing also shows a flair for description and natural dialogue. The dialogue in partiular is difficult to do, but you've done a great job with their exchanges.

I want to be clear here that this chapter shows you have a lot of natural talent. I say "natural" talent because my spidey sense tells me that you've not gotten feedback from an experienced author--there are lots of little tricks of the trade that I'd expect someone who's been in a workshop or writing group to have used.

So, I'm going to spend some time in this review giving you some suggestions--some of those tricks I've picked up over the years. But they aren't really tricks--they are *techniques*. The difference is that a technique is a trick you can use more than once.

I'm going to spend some time on this precisely because I think you have talent--quite a lot of talent, in fact. Picasso said you should learn the rules like a pro so you can break them like an artist. There are no rules in writing fiction, but there are conventions. Knowing when to break them is often the difference between a diverting story and powerful one. But knowing when to break them involves knowing why they have become conventions, which will also tell you HOW to break them when needed.

Okay. I hope you're still with me. Remember: I'm just a guy, like you. I'm not trained as a fiction writer. I know what works for me, and that's all I've got to share. You'll have to figure out what works for you. I have confidence you will.

Here goes.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

You launch your story with an *actual* dream. One of those conventions I mentioned above is that you should never do this. The *reason* is that your reader is "suspending their disbelief" in those first few paragraphs, trusting the author to guide them into a new world, the fictional world of the story. The readers' connections with that fictional world starts out tenuous at best.

In the first three chapters, we're in Abbie's head, in her car, then in a searing accident...then in paragraph four, we're...somewhere else. Pots and pans rattle. Is Abbie hearing them? No...a few sentences later we learn it's Shag, and he's woken up from a nightmare.

I can see that this opening would be dynamite in a *movie.* But this isn't a movie. There's no score, no special effects, no camera cuts, no actors. There's just words in a row, and the reader's imagination. It's the author's job to incite the reader's imagination so that the fictional world becomes real in their head.

By way of advice, you could start with Shag waking up, with him jerking awake to the clatter of pots and pans from the kitchen. His heart might be racing, the afghan on the sofa might be twisted around him, and his throat might be clenched from his nightmare--the same one that torments him. the one where his sister died. You get the idea. We're in Shag's head, in HIS here-and-now, experiencing his world through his senses (the clanging pans, racing heart, etc), this thoughts, and so on. That opening conveys the same information, but does so without a break in continiuty. It establishes the here-and-now that we're in for the rest of the chapter, and the point of view as well.

Which brings me to...

                                                             
Point of View
Mostly this chapter uses an omniscient POV. The narrator knows everything. In particular the narrator knows everything that Shag thinks and feels AND knows what Lauren thinks and feels.

Of course, YOU know everything, too. You're the author. WHat I'm talking about is the "narrator" of the story, or "voice."

There's nothing wrong with omniscient narrattion. Lots of great literature has used omniscient narration. BUt it's almost completely disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of fiction uses first person narration, and the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses something called "third person limited."

This is a review of your chapter, and I've already rambled. If you are unfamiliar with third person limited or free indirect discourse (two advanced topics in fiction writing), drop me a note and I'll send you a couple of short essays to read. My recommendation here is that you consider using third person limited in this chapter, probably in Shag's head. Chapter two might be in Lauren's head, or someone elses. Just don't change POV mid-scene (another of those conventions I mentioned).

                                                             
Plot
Kurt Vonnegut teaches that every character should want something, even if it's just a glass of water.

More precisely, characters need a goal. The good news here is that both SHag and Lauren have goals, shown via their thoughts and deeds (showing in this way is one of the awesome things in this chapter). we see Shag as someone who'd rather nap and maybe have a brewski than have a career. Yet his reflections on the real estate mogul show he's at least thinking about alternatives. Likewise, there's a suggestion Lauren's goal involves motivating Shag. Again, this is all in their words and deeds--great writing.

Of course, there have to be obstacles to the goals, since otherwise there's no story. The obstacle is more than just Shag's inertia, though. It's pretty clear that Shag has never dealt with this sister's death--and I suspect there is more to that story than we know at this point. So that history is lurking in the background, complicating Shagging getting off his, uh, sofa and getting a life. Anyway, obstacles and goals generate conflict. Finally, getting control of his life and dealing with his situation is a high-stakes endeavor, so the outcome of the conflict matters.

Goals and obstacles lead to conflict. The stakes mean the outcome of the conflict matters. This leads to tension, the engine that drives your plot and your story. You've woven a chapter with these elements. The tension might be a little higher (raise the stakes, increase the obstacles, broaden the goals), but the essentials are there.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

Your hook is something that forces the reader to turn the page to the next chapter. You don't really have one. You need one.

                                                             
Referencing
I'm pretty sure this is modern day. Text messages or some other bit of tech cold nail it, although it's fine as is.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Another place where the writing shines. You've not only done a good job with orienting the reader, you've shown the characters interacting with their environment and used the setting to reveal character. Good job!


                                                             
Grammar

I don't read for grammar, but I almost always find something wo whine about. Not here...at least, nothing stood out.

Adverbs. This isn't grammar, but I'm putting it here. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

To repeat what I've said above, this is a well-written chapter, with engaging characters. Readers will want to cheer for them. The plot is pretty bare-bones at the moment, but it has a lot of promise and, after all, this is chapter one. This is absolutely worth pursuing. You have considerable natural talent. Keep writing, listen to what makes sense, disregard the rest, and you'll go far.

Thank you for sharing. I'll be happy to read future chapters about Shag and Lauren.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
b}His bloodshot eyes snap back to the present.My Comment: He can’t see his eyes, so this is a place where the omniscient narrator shows up.

and a hundred more will torment him.My Comment: Here the omniscient narrator knows the future.

“Shag, breakfast!” A girl's voice calls out from the kitchen.My Comment: He knows it’s Lauren, right? Why keep her name a secret? The way it’s written, it sounds like a mystery girl is in the kitchen, so when we later learn it’s his niece, it feels like we’ve been deceived to no purpose.

Shag quickly shuts his eyes.My Comment: One of those adverbs…you might consider “clenched his eyes” for a more precise verb.

menacingly holding a spatulaMy Comment: another of those adverbs….perhaps she’s “brandishing…”

b}Shag's aged pickup, with a rusted horse trailer in tow, My Comment: We’ve changed locations here, so a visual cue would help the readers. An extra line feed or even three centered stars would tell the reader a new scene is starting.

glowers at Shag with the red tie wrapped haphazardly around his head.My Comment: Great verb, great showing her reaction to the tie.

his charm radiating with every move. My Comment: narrator intrudes to tell us about his charm. I’d consider having Shag decide to turn on the charm.

His smile quickly evaporates as he turns back to Lauren who, with one eyebrow raised, glares her disapproval.My Comment: Like the description of Lauren “glaring” her disapproval, but note the adverb “quickly.” I'll stop pointing out adverbs, as I'm sure you get the point.

A sarcastic chuckle escapes Shag’s lips. “Funny.”My Comment: Omnisicent narrator again tells us something. If Shag “lets a sarcastic chuckle escape his lips,” we’d be in Shag’s head and it would be showing his mindset as opposed to the narrator telling us he was sarcastic. Trivial, I know, but POV can be subtle.

“Dad gum John Henry's gonna own every inch of ranchland in the county for its done.”My Comment: Not sure who’s speaking here.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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