Item Reviewed: "Run for the Roses Chapter 2"   by Zeke
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

I guess you must have found something useful in my review of chapter one since you're back with chapter two. I liked chapter one, so I'm glad you're back!! I liked this chapter, too.

                                                             
What I liked best
This is much like the first chapter I read, with the same strengths. Strong characters and characterizatios and excellent dialogue are the hight points. This one ends with a decision (Lauren's picked out her horse) and with conflict (Shag is opposed to buying it), so it's also got a good hook. There's also some nice tension in the interaction between Shag and John Henry, which not co-incidentally reveals a good bit of Shag's history--a clever device to show that history w/o an info-dump narrative.

                                                             
Opening
The opening in this chapter is better than in Chapter one in that it starts with Shag's stomach twisting into knots. It also orients the readers as to location and the reference to the fancy cars and Shag's pickup shows the difference in social and financial status between Shag and the other people at the auction. These are all strong points. They go by pretty fast, though. If we had Shag reacting in some way that emphasized the social distance, it might be a bit stronger.

                                                             
Plot
Plot advances with the introduction of the horse, Shag's history, and Lauren's grandfather. I'm guessing Jock is Lauren's maternal grandfather, since otherwise Shag would think of him as HIS father. The hook sets up the next chapter and future action as well, and Shag's history gives context and increases tension. Good structural work here.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

Good hook.

                                                             
Style and Voice
As with the first chapter, almost all my suggestions are here.

This chapter is in Shag's POV, but omniscient narration still rears its head. I've made several notes in the line-by-line remarks below to illustrate this.

But the main focus for today's review is going to be your choice of tense--namely your choice of present tense for the narration.

Most stories use something called the literary past for the narrative tense. In fact, it's so common that it's often the "default tens" for fiction. It's the "literary past" because, while the narrative uses past tense, the author writes in a way that readers understand that events are happening in the here-and-now of the present. We see the characters acting and reacting to events and to their environment. No one knows what's GOING to happen in the future. No one injects themselves to tell them what happened in the past. Everything we know about the characters and fictional world comes holistically, from the words and deeds of the characters and the internal thoughts and sensations of the POV character.

If the author puts the reader deeply in the head of the POV character, literary past can and does seem immediate to the reader, as though things are happening in the present.

Now, it's true that some authors use present tense for their stories, but this is pretty uncommon. Moreover, the literary past is so pervasive that sometimes authors don't use the present tense consistently and fall into the literary past--there's at least one place where this happens in this chapter.

I understand the argument that present tense makes things seem more immediate. But, precisely because the literary past is so pervasive, it can also be distracting. If a literary style calls attention to itself (and thus diverts attention from the story), it's probably a mistake.

Now, I'm just a one reader, and just a guy without any special knowledge or training, but I found the usage of present tense distracting. I NOTICED it on more than one occastion. Of course, I'm also an author and know about the literary past, so I'm more attuned to notice things like this.

But...it's unusual. Even if readers can't pinpoint it, it risks making them feel uneasy unless it's done to perfection. Some best-sellers use present tense (the Hunger Games comes to mind, not that I'd choose that as model, but it was a best-seller). In any case, one suggestion I have is that you at least think about whether or not present tense is the best choice for your story.

Here's a pretty good blog that discusses the pros and cons:
https://jamigold.com/2020/04/storytelling-verb-tenses-past-present-and-literary-...

Okay, I'll shut up about that.

The other thing are the snippets where it felt like omniscient narration. Mostly, these are places where a few simple word-changes would make the information feel more like it was Shag reacting to what's happening around him rather than the author telling us stuff. Action/reaction is one way to keep forward momentum in the story, while mini-info dumps there the action stops and the narrator tells us stuff break that momentum. I hope the places I flagged in the line-by-line comments below make this clearer.

Finally, some of the dialogue tags felt a bit more like stage direction, like I'd expect in a screenplay rather than describing dialogue as the POV character experiences it. I recall you said this started as a screenplay, so maybe that's a residue from an earlier incarnation? In any case, "he said dryly" is telling us how he said it. If, instead, he narrows his eyes or we get a more subjective description (his tone is dry as sandpaper), then it would feel more like this would be Shag's reaction to his tone than kue the narrator standing outside the story, telling us what he sounded like.

                                                             
Referencing
Lots of good detail to bring the fictional world, the characters, and their history life. Nice job, especially on the history and relationships.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
I had a little trouble following who was speaking to whom at a couple of points. Might be just me, but in any case easy to enough to fix if needed.

                                                             
Grammar

Adverbs. You already know I'm adverb-phobic. I'll whine some more adverbs in the line-by-line remarks. They're pesky little speed bumps.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
I continue to enjoy the story as it unfolds, and your many strengths as an author. As before, I know I've made many nit-picky comments in this review. I want to emphasize again these are all relatively minor things--nibbling at the edges of a story that is structurally sound, with compelling characters, and evolving tension. The many strengths far outweigh the bits I'm focusing on. I'm investing time in pointing these things out preciesly because this has so much potential. Keep writing, and do keep sending me chapters.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
He used to thrive in this environment, where he was the center of attention. But now, with each passing year, he couldn't shake the feeling of being out of place among the wealthy buyers and their prized horses.My Comment: Borderline omniscient narration. If you said, for example, It wasn't like the old days, when he was the center of attention…it might be more like an internal thought (free indirect discourse) than the narrator intruding to tell us stuff.

It was both a reminder of his past glories and a harsh reality check of his current circumstances.My Comment: As I noted earlier, you've chosen to use present tense for the narrative, but here you've slipped into past tense. If his stomach twists and turns, then it IS a reminder of his past that's doing it to him.

The Fasig-Tipton October Horse Sale is the most prestigious event in the world of thoroughbred auctions. All the top players are here, and anyone who isn't deemed a "somebody" is considered irrelevant.My Comment: author intrudes to state a fact.

Shag, on his cell phone, stands out like a worn pair of brown shoes among the sea of Stetson-wearing horsemen and their extravagant belt buckles meandering about stalls filled with thoroughbreds.My Comment: In this paragraph, you show the Stetson-wearing horsemen etc. If you remind us of the fancy cars (mentioned earlier), snooty looks in Shag's direction and maybe throw in a retinue of clingy yes-men or babes-in-waiting, you'd convey the same information as in the mini info-dump above.

"Jock, there's some top-notch horseflesh here," Shag remarks, his voice laced with excitement. "Toss me a few bucks, and I'll snag us a winner."My Comment: Who is Jock? Where is he? What's his relation to Shag and Lauren? Re-reading, I think he must the at the other end of the cell phone instead of being one of the sea of Stetson-wearing horsemen milling about.

"Us?" Jock replies dryly.My Comment: Elmore Leonard's "advice to authors" includes "never use any verb other than 'said' for a dialogue tag," or words to the effect. I wouldn't go that far, but showing "replies dryly" is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations. "Pleads" in the next paragraph violates Elmore's rule, but is a stronger choice than the one here.

A pang of envy courses through his veins when he comes to the 2014 winner California Chrome a cruel reminder of an opportunity lost that he knows will never come again.My Comment: I think you need a comma after "Chrome."

Shag turns to come face-to-face with pompous JOHN HENRY JOHNSON (40's) along with his posse of CRONIESMy Comment: not sure why there are caps here. Left-over from the screenplay version, maybe?

Memories of the tragic event still weigh heavily on his mind.My Comment: More omniscient narrator intruding to tell us stuff.

Shag slowly chuckles.My Comment: Not sure how someone can "slowly chuckle." Maybe he's "chortling?"

They all sheepishly look away as Lauren runs after Shag.My Comment: How would one know they were sheepish? Describe what they are doing--shuffling their feet or averting their eyes, for example--instead of telling us they are sheepish.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

Check out most recent release!

ASIN: B0C9P9S6G8 Murder on Cabot's Landing Product Type: Kindle Store Amazon's Price: $ 6.99 Buy Now!