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Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
Thank you for sharing this heartwarming story about the power of love and courage in the face of adversity. Sophie is an awesome character, and you made us cheer for her success. Max is great, too, and their mutual love sustains their escape from Sophie's abusive parent. This was a great read and a wonderful way to start my day.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Mostly, we experience this story through Sophie. From the very beginning, we're in her head, hearing her father's voice echo through their home. He hopes and fears come through clearly thorugh her words, deeds, and emotions, almost all of which shown rather than told.

I did notice a couple of minor wobbles in point of view, so one bit of advice is to stay inside Sophie's head throughout. You'll see some of these places noted in the line-by-line remarks below.

The other point is that you mostly do a great job of revealing things through the words and deeds of the characters or, in Sophie's case, through her sensations, emotions, and thoughts. However, there are places where "telling" precedes the "showing." As above, I've noted some of these places in the line-by-line remarks below to give you a sense of what I'm talking about here.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening names the point-of-character, Sophie, puts her in action (hearing her father's voice echo through their home), and establishes that the story will be about the challenges her father brings to her life. So it addresses the who/what/where questions quite well. You might consider a touch more descripton of where the initial action takes place, but I'd recommend minimizing narration. Instead, having Sophie interact with her environment would reinforce the point of view and could enhance the plot. For example, she might be in the living room, picking up discarded beer cans and empty pizza boxes. There might be a family portrait with smiling faces beaming from behind broken glass. Maybe she runs a finger over her mother's face and wonders why she abanonded her. You get the idea, I'm sure. If you decide to do this, I'd not expend more than a couple of sentences, taking care to stay focused on the essential conflict of the story.

                                                             
Plot
Sophie's abusive and substance-abusing parent make her life intolerable. She gets respite from work and, with support from a co-worker named Max, manages an escape.

In terms of plot, the mutual decision to leave the village and move to the city resolves the basic conflict of the story, so I'd consider ending with Sophie and Max in the car, the village on the long road behind them. Your final paragraph is awesome, and I'd keep it, but end the story at that point.

Sure, it's likely they will encounter the challenges you describe in the second half of the story, but that's a NEW story, one with a happy ending as it turns out. But the main conflict, which you establish so ably in the first two thirds of the story, is resolved when they leave. That makes the departure the perfect place to end the story.

Another point--the first part of the story says more than once that Sophie intends to find her absent mother, yet, when she finally leaves with this stated purpose, the quest for the missing mother disappears. It's an unresolved thread. If you end the story with them leaving the village, readers will infer that one of the things she's now free to do is find her mother, which is a good kind of unfinished business. But, since she never follows through, it's a big missing piece in the story as written. If you decide to leave the final third of the story in, then I'd recommend including the resolution of the quest for the Mother or deleting all references to it, and just stick with she'd disappeared. As it stands, it's a major plot point that's not addressed in the ending.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging--but otherwise it's pretty sparse. While it's true that every sentence in a short story should advance either character or plot, setting can do either or both. Setting can also deepen the readers' engagement with the fictional world. So, you might consider a touch more setting, especially as Sophie moves from place to place. See my comments above on setting in the opening for examnples.

                                                             
Characters
Both characters are strong and readers will cheer for them. However, Max kind of magically appears out of nowhere at the start of a new scene with Sophie at work. I'd suggest starting this scene with a break in the text (an extra blank line), and then orient the reader by having Sopie interact with this new location in some way.

In particular, she might push through the doors to the sea of desks at her work place, where Max hunkers in front of his computer (or whatever he might be doing). Her heart warms at his handsome features, but then chills at his concerned expression. the sequence has her entering the new place with some description of the location, taking care to reinforce we're in Sophie's head. Then, when you describe Max at work, readers will infer that it's Sophie seeing him. When she reacts (her heart quickens in the example), we reinforce that she's seen him. This simple sequence establishes where she's at, her feelings for Max, and his feelings for her. It orients the readers both to location and relationships. It costs at most two or three short sentences, but would, I think, make the transiton smoother and the introduction of Max clearer.

                                                             
Grammar
Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are at least 23 in this short story), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

While I marked several places, I by no means marked all of them. THe key is finding the combination <weak verb> <adverb>. If you replace the weak verb with a more precise one, you can eliminate the adverb. Alternatively, if the verb is already strong, you probably don't need the adverb and you can just delete it.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a powerful story with themes about courage, love, and healing. I enjoyed reading it and found it uplifting. It's true that I've made several suggestions about possible ways to strengthen the story, but it's a fine story as it stands. Indeed, it's an important and inspiring story that needs to be told, so thank you for sharing it. This shows you have a moral and artistic vision that is both powerful and needed, so by all means keep writing more just like this!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
she said quietly,My Comment: This is one of those adverbs I mentioned. Here, "murmured" might be a more precise verb.

She gently touched her cheeks,My Comment: another adverb…suggest perhaps "stroked" for a more precise verb

"I'm so tired, Mom," she murmured softly.My Comment: Another…"murmur" is a perfectly good verb and it implies "softly." The adverb adds nothing except a little speed bump to the sentence.

she announced nervously.My Comment: Another adverb. This one tells us she's nervous. It would be stronger to show it--for example she might "hate the tremor in her voice."

he grumbled dismissively.My Comment: Again, the adverb is telling, not showing. How would she infer he's being dismissive? Perhaps he averts his eyes, or turns his back? Or maybe his features harden, or perhaps his tone is sharp.

Concern etched across her face, Sophia pressed gently, "Is everything alright?"My Comment: Two things here. We're more or less in Sophia's point of view, but she can't see her face. Thus, this is a point-of-view violation. If "concern wrinkled her brow," for example, that's something she could sense and would be a bit better. The second thing is, of course, the adverb. If she "nudged" him, it would say the same thing and avoid the adverb.

"It's none of your business," he snapped back, his words slurred from the night before.My Comment: This is great! It uses precise words, avoids adverbs, and shows his speech pattern. It also shows that you know how to do this kind of thing without adverbs. The trick is to do it consistently

Hurt, she bit her lip, suppressing the urge to argue. As he stumbled out, frustration and concern welled up inside her. She tidied the house, hoping to distract herself from the turmoil.My Comment: Another awesome couple of sentences--all showing, not telling.

At work, Max noticed the redness on her cheek and the sadness in her eyes. "Hey, Sophia, how are you?" he asked, a hint of concern in his voice. "Your cheek looks red. Is everything okay?" e:cut}My Comment: Who is Max? Probably a co-worker, right? If you add that, readers won't stop to wonder who he is. Also, since you tell us what Max notices you've hopped into his head. If, instead, you said something like "He peered at her and asked," then with his words you'd reveal what he noticed. This simple change keeps the reader inside Sophie's head, and it's already perfectly set up with the surrounding text.

Skeptical, Max persisted, My Comment: His persistence shows he's skeptical, so you don't need to also tell us.

Frustration mingled with anger in Max's voice. "Why do you let him treat you like that?"My Comment: More awesome showing. Good job!

Encouraged, Max nodded with pride. "That's the spirit, Sophia. I'll help you however I can." My Comment: Here, his words show his emotional response, so instead of telling us it would be better to show it through his body language and facial expression. Perhaps his face relaxes into a smile, or he "beams" at her, for example.

I note in passing that, by telling us what's in his head (he's encouranged and proud of her), it hops into Max's head.

Returning her embrace, Max's hug promised unwavering support and friendship. "We'll get through this, Sophia. Together."My Comment: Another fine example you showing her emotional response to the hug--she perceives it as a promise, which reinforces being in her head.

Her father's expression softened momentarily before he sighed heavily, realizing the weight of their fractured family. My Comment: Hops into his head since it tells us what he realized.

At Max's house, there was a quiet sense of preparation.My Comment: Starting here, we seem to change point of view to Max.

As they drove, Sophia couldn't help but feel a sense of liberation. My Comment: But…here, we're back in Sophie's head.

Together, they drove into the sunset, their hearts entwined with the promise of a future filled with challenges, but also with love, hope, and the beauty of shared dreams.My Comment: A lovely closing paragraph.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
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