Hello Nicki!
GENERAL COMMENT:
It made my day to be matched with the mastermind behind the "Merit Badge Bonanza!"  ! Way to go! I have visited you many times and your stories keep me entertained. While perusing your port, I had a tough time on which genre to pick. I decided on this one because I haven't had the pleasure of reading anything of yours in the 'Sci-fi', Scary/Horror genre yet. Plus, it looks like it could use another a review! 
FIRST IMPRESSION:
I enjoyed reading this story! I was drawn in by the title and was blown away at how much of an impact it made on the outcome of the story.  The descriptions were rich and I had no problem being drawn into this horrific adventure for two people!
SUGGESTIONS:
 : There were only a few  And Marla, Robb realized, spying her red cruiser under the street lamp closest to the entrance. This sentence read awkward to me. Maybe a few added words to expand it out.
: Marla was the one to break I wanted more action and drama in this paragraph. More of a visual - Marla to ripped her arm away from him, and to hear Rob mutter a few choice words as her marched off.
: At the ward labeled The code sequence was long, and he punched the numbers and...  You have three instances of the word 'and' in this one sentence.  Maybe take out the first one: '...sequence was long as he punched...' or you might want to split it into two.
: Robb turned his back Typo: You're missing a 't' about 3/4 of the way down in this paragraph-I'll give you a hint-- it's a swear word. (I would of spelled it out, but it's a public reviewing page...  )
: The room was divided Too many sentences starting with 'he' all in a row.
 I got a clear picture of Marla, but I think it would be great to see a tad more details on Robb.
OVERALL COMMENT:
I like the idea of this story and think that there is more to this than just a short story. I can actually see it becoming a novel one day. Even though I know it's not your usual genre, I thought you did an amazing job with this. At first, I was worried about the beginning paragraph because I then knew how the story was going to end. It certainly had the impact for a bang of an opening, but I think the second paragraph would of worked too. Was I disappointed with the way it ended? There was a twinge of ... 'I wish I didn't know...', but I have to say by the time I finished reading it, you did a great job on rounding it all out by not repeating the beginning paragraph word for word. Instead, you detailed even a more gruesome picture in what happened to the main characters. Way to go!
FAVORITE PART:
I enjoyed the setting the most. You painted a vivid picture of the surroundings and I had no problem visualizing Robb at every juncture as he set out on his little adventure at work. Good job with the conflict between Robb and Marla. I certainly got the point about how they felt about one another and how awkward they felt around one another. It all came across really well--it added to the drama of the whole situation. There was also the vivid details on the horrific situation that occurred--I felt like I was 'watching' a scene from a sci-fi movie--yes, I can see it all now on the big screen... In other words, good job on the description of what happens when 'opposites attract'! Yikes!
Great to visit you again! Keep up the amazing work!
Happy writing!
Lornda
** Image ID #1630702 Unavailable **
 You responded to this review 05/31/2010 @ 10:35pm EDT |
|
|
Review #3325872
