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" Game of Thrones"  by Gaby 
PLOT -
A young girl feels unwanted and unloved from her family, friends and her ex-boyfriend. She cannot see who she is and decides that the best thing for her to do is to take her own life, using the most painless method possible.
SETTING -
You described all that she saw, and little of what she felt as the sleeping medication began to take effect. I wondered about smells, sounds, other senses while reading this piece.
CHARACTERS -
The young girl who finds out the hard way that someone has been pulling strings to get her to take her life, and that person waits for her when she crosses over.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
~~her parents had no time for her and her boyfriend dropped her her like a bad habit.
she stood 5 foot 4",--Capitalize "She"
suddenly she is await only her body is laying on the bed --not sure what word you wanted here
as she kneels down on her - capitalize
She looked at Jesus
None of the dialog has quotation marks so some of the sentences ran together awkwardly.
THOUGHTS -
I understand what you were trying to get across in the short story. You have the things you need to heighten the scene and paint a clear picture of the story as it unfolds. Just needs a little tweaking throughout. You are right, I hadn't thought about outside reasons that someone would take their life, but reading this does make you think. That point you got across well. Write on!
 
 You responded to this review 07/21/2016 @ 5:29pm EDT |
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Review #4241061
