Wow! I could so hear the plea of this mosquito! I am not fond of those creatures but they LOVE me!! Ouch and major itch. It is hard to feel sorry for them and yet I don't really like swatting them. They don't even bother some folks I know but if there is one in the room it will find me! LOL Great topic for the contest...the victim mosquito!
I like how your first verse sets the bigger picture of trying to wipe them all out! That would upset the natural order of things.
You captured the tone and sadness of the mosquito using all the terrible things that are done to his family...we can all relate to family and war! EW! Clear image of the kid's experiment with one. The last image of a kneeling mosquito is precious and a brilliant ending. He is so sincere.
I enjoyed reading your expression aloud. It has a pleasing flow and soundscape using effective assonance and consonance. Your rhyme scheme is consistent with only one off-rhyme. I did not notice a regular rhythm but it did not throw me out of the piece. Your details were wonderful, even to telling us the life span of the poor creature. I like the idea of a hard struggle and indeed, in my case, I can hear it coming so I do try to swing away! LOL Yet, they do have a stubborn streak for getting what they want.
The one line that was a mouthful was with "furiously swinging". I get the idea of angry motion yet I wonder if a shorter word might flow better. {eg."quickly" ...not as emotional but a nice flow and repeated i sound with "swinging".) And yet maybe having to struggle saying the line gives an echo of the action the mosquito sees and we get engaged. mmmm.
Line 7 is also tricky to say.
But it has the facts!
I really felt for this creature so your job creating a plea was effective and evocative. You make him sound human. I liked his voice and phrases like "little kin". Awww! I could enter his world. Super job.
Thanks for sharing your gift and craft.
Review #4657718
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You responded to this review 05/11/2022 @ 7:44pm EDT