Review #4710389
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Jettison  [ASR]
Space exploration and eventuality.
by ❀Leger❀
Review of Jettison  
Review by Nobody’s Home
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Hi ❀Leger❀ . I'm reviewing "Jettison today to get out of Jail in "a Mod-o-Poly Celebration!. I offer my comments and suggestions here in hopes you'll find something useful to you in your writing journey.

*Buttonr* Impressions/Suggestions: This in an intense story that packs a punch in just 1,200 words. I'm impressed that you took this story to its "eventuality." I find it so difficult to write a story "to the death" as you did this one, and you did it convincingly. That was a lame compliment, so here's what I mean: *Star* Even with the overt foreshadowing in the first paragraph and weight of knowing the story wouldn't end well from the very beginning, I read on with the hope that Tara might somehow survive. That's impressive story-telling.
         *Fireworks5* I have a single suggestion regarding the story overall. That is that the reader doesn't get to see Tara feeling fulfilled or satisfied by her choice to pursue her dream into space. We know she's sad about leaving her husband and child behind, but going out there is what she wants to do. I would have liked one sentence where she tells her husband, or thinks to herself, that she accomplished what she set out to do.

*Buttong* Mechanics/Formatting: The story is so great that I can only offer a few small comments on the first paragraph, though there is no issue with hooking the reader. I love the way you approach the reality of the end result and the painful knowledge Tara will be leaving behind her family in pursuit of her dream. The wording of the first paragraph, though, feels a bit off to me. I think there are a few ways you can use the strengths you've brought to this paragraph to make it more crisp and powerful.

         *Fireworks8* The first thing I noticed is that you're discussing an intangible, the possibility of her death, and this intangible needs to be a stable piece of the explanation for it to read smoothly. In the first three sentences, the intangible swings from being "this" to "it" and again "it." There's also a tense change: She knew this could be a possibility. Tara and her husband talked about it once. Then they chose to pretend it won't [wouldn't] happen. Suggestion: Tara knew it was a possibility. She and her husband talked about it, and chose to pretend it wouldn't happen.

         *Fireworks8* The rest of the paragraph is a little choppy, which you might have done intentionally for effect. It also might be your writing style, in which case you should ignore these suggestions. My opinion is to smooth it out by combining a few of the sentences. Currently it reads: When she married Jake, she made it clear she wasn't leaving the space program. Even when she got pregnant with Carter. The program gave her six weeks maternity leave, she came back after three. Jake took over rearing Carter while she pursued her goal, to be in space. My suggestion is to do something like the following: When[Before] she married Jake, she [Tara] made it clear she wasn't leaving [wouldn't leave] the space program. Even when she got pregnant with Carter, [her career remained her top priority:] when the program gave her six weeks maternity leave, she came back after three. Jake took over rearing Carter while she pursued her goal[:] to be in [go into] space.

*Buttonb* Take-Away: This is sad but sweet story of a family headed by a strong, career-minded woman. I appreciate that she chases her dream, no matter the cost and despite having a family. Men have had families and gone into space for decades without being questioned about leaving their wife and child(ren) behind. Maybe this should be called bittersweet–I'm not sure. But I did enjoy it, sad ending and all.

Thank you for the opportunity to review your work. I hope you find something in my comments or suggestions helpful. I wish you all the best in your writing journey. Happy 23rd WDC Birthday! *HeartB*


   Reviewed by Rainbow Sig
   
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