JOSE GERVIC LABE, JR.
Review #4740579
Viewing a review of:
 The Playlist  [13+]
A short story that prominently features music, sports, or both.
by GERVIC🐉
Review of The Playlist  
Review by Tiggy in Antigua
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello GERVIC🐉,

my name is Tiggy in Antigua and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest. Thanks for entering! Please bear in mind that my comments and suggestions are only my opinion. Other reviewers might see it differently.


*PenB* First Impression:

The first thing that jumped out at me was the excellent descriptions. The details were spot on, and I could immediately imagine the two girls standing there having that conversation, and their dialogue seemed very realistic to me.

I loved the paragraph where they were discussing why music mattered to them, and speculated what it might mean to Jason. The line, “the rhythm of the game itself. The bounce of the ball, the squeak of shoes, the unspoken dance with teammates” was exceptional. You combined the two genres, sports and music, very well here; although the focus was on music, especially in this line you linked it to the sport.


*PenG* Suggestions:

It might be personal preference (or old age), but I found having the two main characters with names that both begin with A (Alenna and Amaia) a bit confusing. I had to check back a couple of times which one was which. To me, it always seems easier if they have completely different names - but like I said, that might just be me.

Watching him, it's like that old saying, you know? 'If you can't hear the music, don't dance.'
I wasn’t sure what you were saying here. That quote (which seemed to be a different take on the saying often attributed to Nietzsche, “Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music”) seems to say that that he couldn’t hear the music so he shouldn’t dance - which is the opposite of what she meant. I might be misinterpreting it.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

You only used half of the allowed word limit but I think you wrapped it up nicely. There was the opportunity to tell the readers more about how the story developed after they parted, or even add more dialogue to the paragraphs near the end, where you described what they were talking about rather than putting it in direct speech, but I think you made the right choice here - it worked better this way. The last paragraph was beautiful and a nice ending to a good story.




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