Hi Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  ,
 This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Invalid Item"  !
Disclaimer
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
What I liked ... For my final review of this enjoyable raid, I have decided to review this horror story.
 The first thing I want to say is "black moon desserts." What are they? They sound interesting. I really liked the humour in this story. When I read this, I chuckled: "the dance I had with some Frankenstein stepping on my toes just aggravated me enough to develop that headache." I could picture the big, cumbersome Frankenstein character dancing all over her toes. I could also imagine the desire to get away from the party. Who hasn't faked headaches or other ailments to leave somewhere early now and again? It is very relatable.
The Grim Reaper ... Ohh. He's a bad one, isn't he? When Sybil pulled in to the police station, you had you reader thinking she was safe. Mr. Smith had not been a crazy stalker, after all. He had been trying to save her. Even so, the tension you created through the whole car chase scene is fantastic. You had me on the edge of my seat. And then, you wrote, "At that point, my new hero, Mr. Smith interjected that he would be happy to drive me home." and I was screaming at Sybil to let the police drive her. But she didn't listen. She accepted the lift, went to Denny's with the Grim Reaper, and even fell asleep in his car. I wondered if he had slipped something into her drink to make her sleepy because falling asleep after almost being attacked by a stalker is not usual behaviour.
The end made me laugh. Not Sybil being crushed to death, but when she thought back on her feigned headache, and she considered the irony of the situation. I liked the unique method of murder this Grim Reaper chose. I honestly don't think I've read a story like this before. It kept me wanting to find out the conclusion. I was sure Mr. Smith would be a bad one, but I hoped I was wrong.
Suggestions: As before I will put my grammatical / Typo suggestions in a dropnote for you to view, should you so wish.
Grammar / Typo Suggestions ▼
"Following the initial green fog, welcome drink, I ate ..." - I would take out the commas here. I didn't understand, at first, that green fog was the name of the welcome drink. I thought it was maybe a fog in the house when you entered because the comma made me think it was separate. Unless it is something different.
"He is quite handsome without that reaper costume covering his face." - You switch from past tense to present tense here. That is possibly because this is an internal thought. But I wasn't sure. If it is, maybe italicising it might make it clearer.
"I just felt sleepy, and content." - I would take out the comma. You don't need it here.
Parting comments: I have thoroughly enjoyed my poke around your portfolio. You write with a lot of heart and humour. Your creepy stories work really well, too, and you have a bunch of fabulous activities for the community to enjoy.
Thanks, Webbie!
Choconut
   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
 You responded to this review 04/22/2024 @ 6:26pm EDT |
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Review #4746792
