Hi Amethyst Angel šš  ,
I am reviewing your short story, "The Firemen"  , as one of the judges for March's official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering, and good luck!
This review is in affiliation with "Invalid Item" . Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.
What I liked:
 Firstly, I love the story. This bunch of guys who want to make it big and get a record deal. I love the band dynamics, and I imagine they are quite accurate as to how it really works in bands. Each of the characters are real and distinct. I really liked the way Dan eventually came around to sharing the vocals with Ryan. The scene with Ryan telling Dan how they needed him to sing as well himself was lovely.
Ryan very much took the lead in this story. It seemed he wrote songs, as well as Dan, and he had the voice of an angel. The complete opposite of Dan's grungy voice, their voices complemented each other perfectly.
I loved all the musical terms and sounds and images you give us in this story. This description is fantastic: "He hammered a maddened riff across the twin Toms and ended the run with clashes on both high hats ..." Love it! Other places I thought were excellent were: "The barn cat opened one eye to stare, unimpressed." I could picture that so well. If I wasn't already deep inside the story, that would have taken me there for sure. Also, this is fab: " ...pity party complete with confetti and tiny violins." This is when Dan realises he's been sulking about the missing the gig and Ryan doing a great job.
Suggestions: Just a minor comma point. " ...banging the door behind her and making the thick, hopefully soundproofing blanket we'd hung on it waggle." This threw me off a little. If you added a comma after soundproofing, it would be clearer.
Parting comments: I wanted to know whether they got the record contract. The gig was clearly important, and it was the focal point of the story, but you don't tell us whether or not they got it. You left me hanging, lol. Nevertheless, I thoroughly enjoyed this story.
Choconut
 You responded to this review 05/09/2024 @ 1:15pm EDT |
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Review #4750630
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