Hi Amethyst Angel šš  ,
This review was written on behalf of "Invalid Item"  . It is written for Week 20 of "I Write in 2024"
Disclaimer
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.
What I liked: The plot is really clever. I have been wanting to write an entry for this contest myself, but I couldn't come up with anything. So, kudos, for writing such a great story.
 This tale of friendship and ancient curses really hooked me from the start. The mention of the Mesopotamian heat put me right into the story world. You also describe the, "heat-hazed sky showing through as if beckoning into an alternate universe." which I think is fab. I could feel the oppressive, humid heat of the dry land the characters are walking through. And then, you give us a teaser by telling us the purpose of Ryan and Pete's journey: to find out what happened to Pete's wife Lettie when she disappeared while they were on a dig in this very location. I was eager to know what had happened to Lettie, but I never guessed the direction you would go. Pete did a deal with an evil spirit via a Ouija Board. He agreed to give the spirit his wife if he could learn the location of the biggest deal of his career. And he agreed.
Poor Pete. He didn't really intend to give his wife's life for a career high. But, really, he should have known not to mess with the spirits. I thought everyone knew that. You show Pete's remorse and guilt really well. In particular, at the end, when the evil statue wants to take Ryan's life. Pete insists he should give his life, instead, as it was all his fault. What a good friend he turned out to be. And, thanks to Ryan's determination that neither of them would die, they save their wives and everyone gets free. Nice ending. Pete being spat out onto the ground made me smile. I could picture that happening.
You have some lovely descriptions in this story. Especially those of the setting. I could picture myself standing in that blazing heat, being grateful for the, "deep shadow of a ruined wall." There must be a certain majesty to the ancient monuments. It must be a pretty surreal feeling to stand amongst them, and I really felt that in this story. Your description of the evil monument is great: " ...a four-armed creature with a goat's head, a fish body, enormous bulging eyes that seemed to follow them ..." It made me chuckle when I read that the eyes of the statues sometimes winked at them. How creepy.
Suggestions:
I have a few suggestions. Firstly, there are a couple of places where you have a comma at the end of a paragraph, before the speech in the following paragraph. For example, "After a moment of silence, Gina's voice crackled their radios to life," The speech that follows should be part of the same paragraph as it is Gina who is speaking. Then, Pete says he asked the Ouija Board to give him, " ...directions to the biggest archaeological discovery we've ever made." This is past tense, as though they have already made the discovery. It should be, " ...we'll ever make." Also, in one place, you say the four friends are "trudging stumblingly" which sounds a little over-complicated. Simply, "trudged" works perfectly. Or, even, "stumbled." The last place I would check out is when they are exiting the statue. "'Run!' Ryan grabbed her hand." It isn't clear whose hand because the last people you mention before this are Gina and Lettie. I would change it to, "Gina's hand."
Parting comments:
This story is not in the genre I normally read, but I have to say, I really enjoyed it. I liked the human aspect, particularly. I felt so sorry for Pete, and I can't describe how happy I was when all four friends made it out alive. Your descriptions of the setting also had me tightly gripped. I really enjoyed this. Nice work!
Choconut
 You responded to this review 05/15/2024 @ 6:33pm EDT |
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Review #4751670
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