Hello, Max!



INITIAL IMPRESSION / OVERVIEW:

I enjoyed your hot-blooded assignment story! Well done!

You kept me riveted and I read straight through to the end. Well done!



MORE DETAILED FEEDBACK:

Your short story was interesting to me, and made me want to read your next one. Well done!

You made great use of the prompt words and incorporated them naturally into the story.

You asked for my honest input and suggestions for improvement, so I'm taking you at your word and sharing my (hopefully constructively) critical thoughts too.

I didn't particularly like the Frank character, but I could relate to his weight loss frustrations. It's probably best that I didn't think he was the greatest guy though, or the ending would have made me sad.


You asked about the title specifically. I think it works. Maybe if you wanted to be more music / song title inspired, you could go with "Hungry Like a Hummingbird," like "Rock Me Like a Hurricane," or "Hummingbird Hungry," as you mentioned, or "Hummingbird Hot." No one really strikes me as the best. Maybe someone else will have a better idea.

Do most people know that hummingbirds eat so much? I doubt it, so it's good that you included it in your story.


You asked about the ending specifically, too. I think it would be nicer if you ended it at "At least he'd finally lost weight." The rest of the sentence does do the full circle thing, but it lessens the impact of the first part of the sentence. I think it would hit the reader harder (have more impact, in a good way) with the shorter version.


I am not really sure that a fever of 103 degrees is enough to cause brain damage or heart failure? I've sustained higher fevers without either. At 105 degrees, the doctors (wel, my doctors, anyway) start to freak out though. Maybe change 103 to 105? I also wondered what a hummingbird's temperature is ... not that you need it for the story. My brain just went there.


I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical mistakes (or mistakes of any kind) in your short story. Well done!





CONCLUSION:
You have a great writing style and sense of humor, and I enjoy reading your stories and other writings. Well done!

Thank you for sharing your time, creativity, and writing with the Writing.Com community!

May love, joy and peace be yours in abundance!
PWheeler








A Review from: "Positive Hearts Reviews Group" 


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .