Hi Purple Holiday Princess  ,
I am writing this review as part of "a very Wodehouse challenge"  [E]. 
Overall Impression:
Wow, you didn't hold back on the heat here! This is an excellent blend of horror and erotica! It also takes a few twists and turns, which I enjoyed.
We begin with a huntress and her prey - Keely knows how to enter a victim's mind and take control, before having free reign over her body. Once she's had her fill she finds herself caught in the act by her prey's lover... who is not what he first appears. Now she is in trouble, and she knows it.
I like how you led the reader to make assumptions about Taran, only to turn these upside down. Also, we are treated to two sexy scenes that definitely held my interest throughout.
It is not easy to balance horror with erotica - too much horror and it's no longer sexy, yet too much erotica and the reader no longer feels that delicious fear. You do a good job here. Well done.
All in all, I like this!
Suggestions:
I do have some suggestions, dear T. I hope that you'll find them helpful!
Paragraph 3:
 penetrating her inner most thoughts
I think that 'inner most' can be innermost.
Paragraph 6 - 8:
Lori is dressed, and is described as wearing skintight black jeans. Yet apparently Lori's and Keely's hands are suddenly in these pants and Keely can enter with her fingers. That threw me a little.
...as her fangs protruded and pierced her throbbing cervix.
I am also not certain how Keely's fangs can pierce Lori's cervix.
Paragraph 9:
Lori screamed her body shaking...
I suggest placing a comma after 'screamed'.
Paragraph 25:
slighting releasing the severe hold
Slightly perhaps, instead of 'slighting'?
General suggestion:
Words like 'as' are very helpful when describing a series of actions, but when used often they do stand out. I noticed this here - it may be worth having a look to see if this repetition can be lessened.
My Rating:
This is an inspired story. I am glad that you offered it up for review.
I did have a few suggestions. Nothing major, just some things that I feel would perfect it. Therefore, for now, I will give this item a rating of 4 out of 5.
Thank you for sharing your work.
Write on!
Kit
   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
 You responded to this review 09/07/2024 @ 10:04pm EDT |
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Review #4774815
