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Review #4776913
Viewing a review of:
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Enriqueta Martí i Ripollés Open in new Window. [18+]
The Witch Doctor of Barcelona
by WakeUpAndLive Author Icon
Review by JACE Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
An Angel Army Review


Hi WakeUpAndLive Author Icon.

I'm JACE Author Icon, and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Enriqueta Martí i RipollésOpen in new Window..

I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. Greetings. This is the first of three reviews I will do for you winning my mini-Newsfeed contest. I've always found the history of witches to be fascinating. Your brief description did the trick of luring me in.

I also noted under your Notes that you've had a lot of success with your story. That set the bar rather high. I was not disappointed with your tale. In fact, I personally was hoping for more. But one must work within contest parameters. Right?

Your story, though short, moved along very well. I was not bored.

But I did notice a couple spots that seemed a bit off as I read along. For example, the customer says: “Do you have one for me at midnight? I’ll come and collect myself this time. My servant will stay at home.” I think he would say "Will you ..." or "Would you ...". And adding the phrase "My servant will stay at home." is superfluous, uncessary. Remember, she's indifferent.

Also, you wrote: She continued her walk down Main Street. She must begin her walk before she can continue it. Perhaps something like: She left her shop, turning quickly to the back roads continuing onward.

These are small errors that are hard to catch when one is so invested in a story and has edited it many times over the story's life. I struggle with that mightily in my own works. I can hear problems when I read the stories aloud easier that just reading silently.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I found it a mite odd that the gentleman entered the shop at midnight leaving the carriage out front, but left by the rear. Was this intentional?
   

         *Bullet* Read this sentence aloud and you'll hear the problem. You need a verb.
 On them strapped and already dead, two children.  On them strapped and already dead, were two children.

         *Bullet* I would think skin would be very hard to grind, not grain, into powder. It would be too pliable at that point.

*Star*
My Rating.  4.0.  An above average story that need a little more attention.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/20/2024 @ 11:49am EDT
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