Let me first say that this was an excellent story, and it did indeed show me, not told me. It made the flow of reading it much easier.

So any nitpicking I do, I do with the intent of keeping the flow going.

One of the things I might have liked is being told she was sitting in front of an open window. When Ada got hit by a baseball, it caught me by surprise. I went back over the description of the sights and sounds she was seeing and hearing out the window. I should have inferred the window was open by the errant breeze moving the curtain, not to mention the smell of goulash and tobacco. The latter, though, you know will always be there, whether you actually smell them or not. It’s a setting the atmosphere, sort of like background noises. You only truly notice them when they’re absent. And the errant breeze could have been from a different source in the apartment, or just from a window just cracked open. I really wanted something to tell me that this window was wide open.

In that same paragraph, when she closes her eyes anyway, you might think about encapsulating that action with parenthesis, rather than setting it aside with commas. And perhaps transitioning to what she’s seeing and hearing outside with a colon, rather than a comma.

My next nitpicking is your use of words like ‘akimbo’ and ‘bibulous’ as Ada is preparing for Selina’s return home. You’ve got this great Stanley Kowalski vibe going, especially with your description of the kitchen and dining area, and then the of those words throw the vibe off. It’s like serving fried spam sandwiches, then putting a few capers on the side. On the other hand, the use of the word ‘numinous’ when describing the early morning light on Scarlet and Ada was spot on.

Also, when Ada is repeating that things are always her fault, in the middle of that mantra, she has one sentence where she doesn’t use contractions. I read that as she was emphasizing that fact to herself. If that’s the case, I’d like to see something to emphasize that fact more.

Again, I really enjoyed your story, and sorry I haven’t gotten over to your portfolio more.