 
Overall - an interesting story with twists and turns that kept me wanting to know what happened. The (spoiler alert to anyone reading this review) - happy ending made the read worthwhile.
That being said, I think it could be much crisper if you cut out some 'explanatory' phrases. I found the read to be a bit belabored because of this.
The points I made as I went along:
1. You had me hooked from the very beginning. I could picture the initial scene clearly.
2. The sentence about 'zombie food' needs to end there and be a paragraph unto itself! 
3. You seem to use the word 'as' or another connecting word often where maybe a full-stop and new sentence would perhaps sound better.
Another example is - 'he grabbed my wrist to hold me away' - the last four words are redundant, I think.
Also - 'patted Jim's back like a baby, trying to comfort him.' - again last four words not needed.
Remember, 'show' rather than 'tell' when you can!
4. The revelation of the hiding place could be more dramatic, I think.
5. Not running away needs a better reason than curiosity in this situation, I think!
6. A 'sweetie with gang affiliations' needs more explanation, IMHO!
7. Eat her husband? Really? That needed some more build up!
8. 'S.O.B.' maybe, otherwise it looked like she's crying in capitals.
I usually give your pieces a much higher rating. This story, too, has the potential to be a 'five' but for the 'telling'!
Thanks for sharing!
Write On,
- Sonali
"I Write in 2025"   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
 You responded to this review 03/02/2025 @ 9:12am EST |
|
|
Review #4801779
