Hey! Amethyst Angel 💐 I just finished reading "The Foreigner's Clothes" , and wow, it's a great contest entry! It's got suspense, a killer twist, and characters that stick out. I'm dying to tell you my take … observations.

The story starts with Monique, The protagonist, waking up sunburned and disoriented on a scorching tropical beach. The sun's blazing, the sand's scratching her skin, and she's looking around for her husband, Josh, who's nowhere to be found. No phone, no flip-flops—just Monique, alone on this gorgeous but eerie island. The setting's vivid I can feel the heat and hear the waves. It's a paradise with a creepy edge, and that contrast hooks you right in.

Monique—well, relatable. She is panicking, calling out for Josh, following his footprints through a stone archway, hoping he's just setting up a picnic somewhere. But then I spot this guy praying on a mat behind some palm trees—Abdul, a Muslim man in a tunic.

She is hesitant to bug him, but when she tries, he bolts, exposing the gun at his hip, leaving her stunned. Enter Fatima, Abdul's wife, who's all warmth and reassurance. She's got this calm vibe, hands Monique a tunic and a periwinkle headscarf and explains why Abdul can't chat with Monique because of their faith. It's a cool cultural twist that adds depth without preaching.

Here's where it gets wild: Fatima and Abdul aren't just random islanders—they're Interpol agents, and Josh? is a drug trafficker!

I was surprised when Abdul played a call from Josh, all casual about delivering 150 kilos of fentanyl, acting like Monique was knocked out on the beach from pills Josh slipped her. The betrayal hits like a punch. The suspense builds as we trek to the takedown—Monique in disguise, watching Josh get nabbed by agents swarming from the jungle. It's intense as he's hauled off.

The pacing's perfect for the contest requirements—fast but not rushed—and your writing paints the scene clearly. I love how Monique grows from confused to resilient, thanks to Fatima's kindness and Abdul's quiet strength. The ending's bittersweet: Monique at the airport, hugging Fatima goodbye, keeping that scarf as a memento of this insane chapter. It's a gripping thriller with heart, which is hard to do given the restrictions of the contest.

I did see a good deal of SPAG scattered throughout. But there is time to fix it before the contest ends.

I would also look for opportunities to cut the redundancies. You have a few places where you have used extra words that had little to the story or descriptions. Look for things that most people might already know.

Original: But then she spots this guy praying on a mat behind some palm trees—Abdul, a Muslim man in a tunic.

Rewritten: A hundred yards away, a man knelt on a mat behind some palm trees—clearly praying.

I don’t think you need to tell us Abdul’s name yet. How could Monique know it at this point? Second, a man praying outside on a mat… I am pretty sure almost every reader would know or assume he is Muslim.

I liked how well you did at using "Show" V Tell, but you could do more. I know word count, word count, word count sucks in the contest rules. Here is my rule for deciding when and where to use "Show." when writing a short with a 2000-word cap. Always show the "Protagonist" and use "tell" for everyone else. There are places where you tell the reader what Monique is thinking, feeling, and seeing. But switching from the narrator's POV to Monique’s will improve the reader’s imersion.

Here's an example or two of how the original paragraph can be rewritten using more "show vs. tell" to bring Monique's experience to life through her perspective, sensory details, and reactions rather than simply stating what's happening:


         Original: "Sunlight blazed red through Monique's closed eyelids, filling her head with fire."

         Rewritten: "Monique's skin prickled with heat, the sun's rays piercing through her closed eyelids, painting her world in a crimson haze."

I shifted from telling the reader the sunlight was intense to showing how it feels on her skin and colors her vision, immersing the reader in her sensory experience.

         Original: "As foggy dreams dissolved, she couldn't remember where she was."

         Rewritten: "A distant seagull's cry jolted her awake, shattering the foggy remnants of a dream she couldn't grasp—faces and places slipping away like smoke."

Instead of stating her confusion directly, I depicted her disorientation through the abrupt sound waking her and her struggle to hold on to fading dream fragments, letting the reader infer her memory loss.
         Original: "She sat up in hot sand, wincing as it scratched bare, sun-scorched skin, and saw a lagoon ahead of her."

         Rewritten: "The sand beneath her scorched her palms, each coarse grain biting into her tender, sunburned skin like tiny, relentless needles. She pushed herself up, a sharp wince escaping her lips as the movement sent a fresh wave of pain rippling through her body."

I expanded on the physical sensation of the hot sand, describing its texture and effect on her sunburned skin in vivid detail. Her wince and the pain rippling through her body show her discomfort rather than just telling it.

         Original: "A rocky wall lined the narrow slice of tropical beach."

         Rewritten: "Her gaze darted across the narrow strip of beach, hemmed in by a towering wall of jagged rocks that cast long, menacing shadows over the shore."

This shows Monique actively perceiving the rocky wall, adding descriptive elements like "jagged" and "menacing shadows" to hint at her emotional response—perhaps unease—while painting a more dynamic picture of the setting.

These examples use Monique's senses, actions, and subtle emotional cues to "show" her situation and state of mind, making the scene more engaging and immersive for the reader.

Look for words you could cut from other places. Descriptive dialogue syndrome is a good place to start. We usually don’t need tags at all… but in the few cases requiring them, we don’t use anything but “Said,” in a 2000-word short, every extra character used is important.

This is a great story, and it perfectly fits the picture prompt! I looked at it and came up blank. But then, I am a non-surfing dude, so I guess this one needed a female perspective.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .