%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4798897 |
 | The curse of immortality  [E] Contest entry.  |
| (3.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: The narrator reached a very important conclusion right at the end of the story. You hinted at it before - when he realised that everyone he had known was gone, the way he was looking for things that hadn’t changed during his long absence, how he enjoyed talking about how things were in his time - but he still suggested that the woman he met might want to join him. He was an interesting character and there were some great descriptions, especially early on when he was returning to Earth and reflected on his journey. It was easy to follow his thoughts and his reasoning why he thought he had hit the jackpot when he found immortality, and it took him a while to understand why it wasn’t. The doctors and others who talked to him also didn’t grasp the disadvantages and immediately wanted it for themselves, which was quite understandable because on the face of it, it looks very desirable.  Suggestions: The main thing you might want to look at is the dialogue. When a different character speaks and acts, you need to start a new paragraph. In the middle part of the story, when he talks to the doctors, and later on when he talks to the woman, you have various characters speaking and acting in the same paragraphs. my thoughts are already on earth. Since the narrator is thinking about returning to Earth as a planet, rather than just some land or ground, it should be capitalized. I don’t feel it’s impact yet You need “its” without the apostrophe, the possessive form meaning “belonging to it”. actually finding Elandos, The lesser-known planet This is one sentence so “the” shouldn’t be capitalised. A little confused I grab the transceiver, they should recognize my ship. There should be a comma after “confused” to set off the introductory phrase for clarity. Also, you joined two independent clauses by a comma so I would change the comma after “transceiver” to a period. If you want to keep it as one sentence, you could reword it to avoid the comma splice. Something like this, maybe: little confused, I grab the transceiver, hoping they recognize my ship. the friction of the atmosphere effects my ship “affects” You see it left 250 years ago Again, you need a comma after “see” to set off the introductory phrase. run a few test on you “tests”, plural. which was ought to be “which was supposed to be”, maybe? I flew to the planet found the cave and came back There should be a comma after “planet” and after “cave”. time moves different when you travel “differently” to became immortal “become” younger then me “than” I met a women “woman”. Also, you changed tense here - the story was written in present tense but became past tense in this paragraph before switching back to present tense at the end. Why would you ever want to be immortal. This is a question so there should be a question mark at the end. She was right immortality means loss This sentence needs a comma after “right”.  Final Thoughts: That looks like a long list but they are all just minor errors that are easy to fix. I think you have an interesting idea here, especially the reflection on immortality where the drawbacks appear to outweigh the benefits. The story ended quite abruptly after the woman voiced that observation and the narrator agreed, and you never really explored this further. It would be interesting to see how he reacted and how his life panned out afterwards, but I suppose that could be the subject of another story. A very thought provoking tale and with a bit of work, this would be a great story.   A Review from: "Invalid Item" This review is affiliated with Merit Badge Redemptions , a community project that let's you earn exclusive merit badges just by reviewing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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